Things around my house have been CRAZY as of late...but more on that later. First, the good stuff.
Yesterday's eating went relatively well. I did have a bagel late last night and stayed up too late, but I was still under my calories for the day. *shrug* It just wasn't a "hungry" day at all. I made Moussaka for dinner last night, which Hubs and I thought was good, but the boys didn't like. (In all fairness Logan is currently sick. He ate three bites and then yakked in my hallway. *sigh*) For lunch I had some of the Lentil Soup I made the other night. Meh. It was alright. Certainly very filling, but it was kinda bland and just there. It's alright in a pinch. I'm not too keen on the vinegar addition and I think next time I'd just leave it out....if there ever is a next time. I was looking to use up my lentils, but I think I'll look elsewhere next time.
After work, my gym routine was to be: 5 minute warm-up, chest ST, and 30m Cardio follow-up...but on the way to the gym I started to feel sleepy. REALLY sleepy. I went anyways. I told myself I had to go. I wasn't feeling well, but I didn't want to stop unless I was yakking all over the place. So I went. And here's how IT went:
5 minute elliptical warm-up
Dumbbell Incline Presses
Primary Muscle Group - Chest (Upper Pectorals)
Secondary - Front Deltoids & Triceps
They look like this:
Target: 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8
Actual: 4 sets - reps: 16/12/10/8 - weight: 5/10/12/15
I felt those as I was doing it, but I think I can be brave and try upping the weight next time, especially on the front end. I like these a lot, though. I love that I can FEEL my pecs working to get where they need to be. There's just something special about feeling the body part you know the exercise is supposed to work working hard to do what you want it to do.
Barbell Flat Bench Press
Primary Muscle Group - Chest (Mid Pecs)
Secondary - Front Shoulders & Triceps
I doubt you need a picture, but here's the best one I found anyhow:
Target: 3 sets - reps: 12/10/8
Actual: 3 sets - reps: 12/10/6 - weight: 45/55/65
Who wouldn't like these? Oh, well, I didn't like the part where Hubs didn't make it to the gym so I was left without a spotter and this is the most extreme case of me wanting him there. I probably could've finished that last set, but fear had crept in telling me I was going to crush my ribcage with the stupid barbell loaded down. Still, I did well. I challenged myself and pushed through not feeling well.
And then it was time for cardio, and for the first time in a long time, I bargained my way out of it. The deal I made myself? If I go to Zumba tonight, I can let myself off the hook for missing cardio last night. SUCKS that I woke up to a horrible cough, but I'll still be there tonight, coughing my way through a Zumba workout and making myself proud, because that's what my poster tells me to do every day when I leave work.
And being at the gym tonight will be a good distraction from the family problems I've been dealing with. Here's the skinny:
So, Ethan is my youngest child. The darling of the family. Just like his Momma. He does great in school, loves finishing his homework early, and LOVES to read. He also hates healthy food 9 times out of 10, just because it's healthy and he'd rather have french fries and chicken nuggets, and hates cleaning. When I told him a week or so ago to go clean his room, he did what we call "pulling an Ethan," wherein, in order to get out of doing housework, you simply take a nap. I seriously know how to get my child to take a nap, but this practice of sleeping away your troubles seriously pisses me off. I usually yell at him and tell him to get his butt up and clean like he was told (I swear he's not actually tired. It could be 10 minutes after I woke him up from a 10-hour sleep and STILL he'd find a way to be tired enough to sleep instead of clean). This last time, I figured I'd try a different method. I was sick of hearing him cry and pout and scream his way through cleaning his room talking about how horrible I am and how much I must hate him to make him do it. *rolls eyes* So this time I looked right at him and I said, "I'm giving you the choice. Either this room is cleaned by bedtime or you're going to be grounded for two weeks. You make the decision and you live with the consequences." He is currently without video games and his room is still a complete and utter mess.
That same night, we had another issue arise when we got a call from another parent from school. Apparently her son had taken razor blades into school that day and passed them out to a few of the other kids, Ethan being one of them. I honestly felt scared for Ethan, but I wasn't completely upset with him. We've never dealt with razor blades and, in my eyes, being the blade pusher was MUCH MORE SERIOUS than accepting it. Still, we had to talk to him. We told him that it was dangerous and against school policy. We told him that if he was caught with it he would likely be suspended or worse and it would go in his permanent record. We told him we loved him and we were afraid of him getting hurt with something like that, and that we knew he knew it was wrong, and if he KNEW it was wrong, he should NOT have accepted it. We told him that there was a difference between tattling and telling a teacher about something like this, and next time he needed to be brave for everyone else and just tell. He cried. We took the razor blade away, and then talked to him about lying (he told me 3 times in a row he hadn't gotten anything at school from anyone until I told him, "We just got a call saying you did. Do you want to try that answer again?"), and we talked to him about safety again (he had hid the razor blade under his pillow in bed, the pillow he was laying on...I nearly died! SO close!!). He got punished at school for it and he was super mad that his "friend" had gotten him into trouble and made him miss some fun things they did at school.
Last Saturday, he admitted to me at Logan's basketball game that he had $20 in his coat. I knew he shouldn't have any money left from Christmas because he spends it on stupid crap almost faster than he gets it. I asked him where he got it from. I asked him SEVERAL times. Just the day before Hubs was remarking that he had THOUGHT he had more money in his wallet than he did. It took SEVERAL times before he finally admitted he stole it from his father's wallet. Being in the middle of the basketball game in the middle of a crowded, tiny gym, I told him to sit down and shut up next to me and we would discuss it later, but not to move from my side. Minutes later, he was gone. It took me several laps around the school, outside and in, before I found him hiding UNDER the school bleachers. I yelled at him to get out in front of everyone and he smirked and said he wouldn't. I informed him that when the game was over and everyone left, I was coming in after him if I had to. He came out some time later and sat next to me. I tried to grab his hand to take him into the gym and he wouldn't budge. He wouldn't speak, he had the nastiest look on his face, it was not the boy I had known for 8 years, it was rebellious and spiteful and I got a little sad immediately. Hubs was pissed and pulled him up out of the seat...and then Ethan took off. He ran away from me even though I told him several times I just wanted to talk (that's all I wanted, to talk!). He went outside without a coat and hid from me. After about 20 minutes, I had to give up. I figured he would come out eventually....I hoped he would. As I watched the final minutes of Logan's game, I was upset and hurt and scared. What was happening to my little boy?
Several times when we tried to talk to him on the way home, he mentioned that he should just "go kill myself" which broke my heart over and over again. It took me screaming at him, asking him to stop, talking to him in every manner I knew how before he finally admitted that he was wrong and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. I thought it was resolved. He added 2 more weeks to his grounding and it went up to a month.
Last night was the last straw. His behavior toward me regarding the dinner I had just spent nearly an hour preparing with his help, his disrespect. It was killing me to watch. I told him to just go to bed because I didn't want to be treated that way, and he popped out another stupid comment about how I don't care about him, don't love him, and he should just die. (It literally kills part of me every time I hear him say this...every single time.)
I don't know what to do and the stress of it all is starting to break this calm facade I've built for myself. For two weeks I've stayed mostly on task. I thought I was working the balanced scale to the greatest degree I have ever achieved. I work all day, I go to the gym with Hubs, I go home and cook a nice, healthy dinner for everyone, I put things away, I do laundry, and finally slip to bed VERY late, only to get up and do it all again the next day.
Needless to say, it's been a trying time.
Being a mom is hard right now. I can't look at him right now without seeing his mutilated body (my mind likes to recreate worst-case scenarios in full-color movie quality HDTV for me). Sleep has been a joke with those kinds of nightmares plaguing my mind. I don't know how serious he is. I don't even know where he got this from. All I know is that I don't want to leave it unchecked. I lost a best friend when I was in HS to suicide and I can honestly say that I wouldn't survive the same fate for either of my children. I simply would not survive it.
Anyhow, not sure why I'm laying it all out there...probably because I'm lost and hurt and need to talk and really have no one other than Hubs to talk to (and he doesn't have any clue how to better handle it either). I love my boys and I just want them to be happy.
I asked Ethan if I was spending too much time at the gym. He insisted, and I mean INSISTED that I keep going to the gym. He said he LOVES it when I go to the gym.
I can't exactly work less, so that's not an option.
I just instituted Family Game Night every Friday night where we spend hours upon hours playing games together as a family. Maybe it's having a negative effect instead of a positive one, but I don't know why it would.
I don't know why he's acting out. I know kids generally act out to get attention, any kind of attention, but I don't know how much more I could give other than quitting the gym. Maybe life was easier for him when Mommy stayed home all the time watching TV because she was afraid to be seen in public. I know he surely enjoyed it more when we went out to places like McDonald's and Wendy's, and we simply don't do that anymore. I don't care if we do. I'm happy to take him...I just don't really like the food anymore unless I have a random craving for something.
....life is hard sometimes. The trick is fighting through the battle and coming out on the other side a stronger version, having learned something from the struggle. I hope what I learn is what my child needs to grow up to be a successful, happy, loving human being. But right now...right now my heart is broken and my will is shattered. I dread going home tonight. I can't decided if I want to retreat to bed (my illness may determine that one for me) all weekend, or if I should take him out and show him what a fun time can be had with me. I don't know what to do, so I'll likely do what I can do - muddle through until I find the path....it's there somewhere...I just have to find it.
Lentil Soup recipe:
EDIT: FYI - Ethan is 8 years old.