Lately I have been feeling super lonely since the break up. Basically, I went from having a text to saying "Hi." to nothing.. crickets. Honestly, my friends don't text me or anything.. unless they want something. It was like.. Oh that's right.. my friends ever remember I exist. I have to iniate everything. *sigh*
Well, after being in my room all day and being super lonely to almost the point of crying, I decided to be a more proactive. I still had wine from Friday's supper but no wine glasses. So, I decided to get some wine glasses and some movies. Off to Walmart I go! While there, I ran into a friend who we seem to run into all the time. Somehow, he always sees me in a bad mood. Poor guy! Anyhow, we chatted for a while and he cheered me up some and in the end, I didn't feel as lonely. Afterwards, I went home, watched movies and drank wine. It helped me relax enough to give me a break from being lonely... and it was almost nice.
Than, this morning I was talking to my friend. I wanted to talk. You know those moments where you need to talk. Well, the short story is that it didn't happen. She talked about the guy issue that we have talked about for the last two weeks like everyday. I got super lonely again. I really needed some support and nada. *sigh*
Off to lunch with Nick. Yup, the ex boyfriend/friend. He asked how I was and I was honest. I said I was crabby, lonely and kinda down. Because I am. Why hide it. We really had an indepth conversation. We touched on trusting people with our emotions and how I test my friends.
One way I test my friends is by letting my body language speak. For example, I will say I am fine when I am not. This is a test. In my mind, if they truly care, they will say something. Fair? Probably not. Nick was telling me that when I would test him, it would make him mad. He said if I do it in the future he will walk out of my room. So.. basically... if I am really upset and I say I am fine. He is going to walk out on me. I am not sure if I can NOT test him, or any of my friends. Will I am able to be friends with him? If I test him and he walks out.. I think it will hurt the friendship alot.
Why do I test my friends? I test them to see if they are worthy friends. Fair? Again, probably not. But, that's what I do. Also, I realized I test them because it is easier to do than to say: Friend, I need you to listen to me. Ironically, either way, it can leave me disappointed. Disappointed that they won't reach my expectations. Maybe I just don't want anyone to reach my expectations so I set them TOO high.
Anyhow, after this intense lunch, I went home and promptly cried my eyes out. I cried for being lonely. For not having a supportive girlfriend. For not knowing if I will be able to be friends with Nick for he is asking me to not test him but trust him with my emotions.
Now I am emotionally drained, I do not feel like doing much of anything.. well, besides writing this blog. I should work out but not feeling like it. I should do homework, but bhah. All I want to do is sleep it off and hide from the world. Does anyone recognize this? I think I do. I think I might be going into a depressive episode but not sure yet. *sigh*
I do know one thing. I need to figure something out. I feel like I haven't been working out as I should be. I work out when I go to my group fitness/aerobics class. Lately, that is all I have had time to do. Yes, I asked my boss to give me less hours but I don't know how soon she will do that. I might have to try to get up at 6 am and work out everyday. Kinda give me my mornings.
Oh by the way, I deactivated my Facebook. I feel like anyone that needs/wants to talk to me has my phone number or any other way to get ahold of me. I find Facebook brings me down when I see everyone is doing something.. and like I am doing.. like nothing.
Okay, anyways, I just needed a sounding board, if nothing else.