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THECRAZYMANGO
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Need: Sounding Board

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Lately I have been feeling super lonely since the break up. Basically, I went from having a text to saying "Hi." to nothing.. crickets. Honestly, my friends don't text me or anything.. unless they want something. It was like.. Oh that's right.. my friends ever remember I exist. I have to iniate everything. *sigh*

Well, after being in my room all day and being super lonely to almost the point of crying, I decided to be a more proactive. I still had wine from Friday's supper but no wine glasses. So, I decided to get some wine glasses and some movies. Off to Walmart I go! While there, I ran into a friend who we seem to run into all the time. Somehow, he always sees me in a bad mood. Poor guy! Anyhow, we chatted for a while and he cheered me up some and in the end, I didn't feel as lonely. Afterwards, I went home, watched movies and drank wine. It helped me relax enough to give me a break from being lonely... and it was almost nice.

Than, this morning I was talking to my friend. I wanted to talk. You know those moments where you need to talk. Well, the short story is that it didn't happen. She talked about the guy issue that we have talked about for the last two weeks like everyday. I got super lonely again. I really needed some support and nada. *sigh*

Off to lunch with Nick. Yup, the ex boyfriend/friend. He asked how I was and I was honest. I said I was crabby, lonely and kinda down. Because I am. Why hide it. We really had an indepth conversation. We touched on trusting people with our emotions and how I test my friends.

One way I test my friends is by letting my body language speak. For example, I will say I am fine when I am not. This is a test. In my mind, if they truly care, they will say something. Fair? Probably not. Nick was telling me that when I would test him, it would make him mad. He said if I do it in the future he will walk out of my room. So.. basically... if I am really upset and I say I am fine. He is going to walk out on me. I am not sure if I can NOT test him, or any of my friends. Will I am able to be friends with him? If I test him and he walks out.. I think it will hurt the friendship alot.

Why do I test my friends? I test them to see if they are worthy friends. Fair? Again, probably not. But, that's what I do. Also, I realized I test them because it is easier to do than to say: Friend, I need you to listen to me. Ironically, either way, it can leave me disappointed. Disappointed that they won't reach my expectations. Maybe I just don't want anyone to reach my expectations so I set them TOO high.

Anyhow, after this intense lunch, I went home and promptly cried my eyes out. I cried for being lonely. For not having a supportive girlfriend. For not knowing if I will be able to be friends with Nick for he is asking me to not test him but trust him with my emotions.

Now I am emotionally drained, I do not feel like doing much of anything.. well, besides writing this blog. I should work out but not feeling like it. I should do homework, but bhah. All I want to do is sleep it off and hide from the world. Does anyone recognize this? I think I do. I think I might be going into a depressive episode but not sure yet. *sigh*

I do know one thing. I need to figure something out. I feel like I haven't been working out as I should be. I work out when I go to my group fitness/aerobics class. Lately, that is all I have had time to do. Yes, I asked my boss to give me less hours but I don't know how soon she will do that. I might have to try to get up at 6 am and work out everyday. Kinda give me my mornings.

Oh by the way, I deactivated my Facebook. I feel like anyone that needs/wants to talk to me has my phone number or any other way to get ahold of me. I find Facebook brings me down when I see everyone is doing something.. and like I am doing.. like nothing.

Okay, anyways, I just needed a sounding board, if nothing else. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    Sweetie . . . gotta agree with Monica_W. You need to ask for what you need/want. I have this issue with DH all the time . . . he expects me to know something by osmosis and life just doesn't work that way! So, just ask. It works!

    And I think you've identified the fact that you may be heading into a depressive episode. Do what you need to so you nip it in the bud! You love yourself, and that's part of it! Not easy, not fair, but it's life.

    This time of the year is very difficult as it's cold, wintry gray and just all round not cheery! I understand how difficult that is!

    Hugs, sweetie. You can get over this hump.
    3396 days ago
  • PATRICIAANN46
    MONICA_W has some excellent advice. When we play games, we aren't guaranteed the results we want. You have to be totally honest with your friends so that they KNOW what you need. Then, if they don't come through, you can move on to someone who will.
    Also, if you are depressed, you need to find out what is causing it. If you are exhausted from a schedule that is too tight, you need to drop something and get more rest. If that isn't the case, maybe you need something in your life that makes you feel better about yourself. When I was in college, I volunteered for a few hours/week at the local hospital in the pediatric oncology unit. If that experience doesn't make you realize how much you have to be thankful for, I don't know what would.
    Only YOU know what it is that you need. Have you had a good physical recently? Are you eating a balanced diet? Many things can affect how we feel both mentally and physically and it is worth it to find out what may need adjustment.
    Take care my DD. YOU are worth it!!! emoticon
    3397 days ago
  • CIVIAV
    emoticon x1,000,000
    3398 days ago
  • EJOY-EVELYN
    Hope you're able to get out of your funk soon. If a love lost is recent, there is an appropriate time to mourn. When you have available time between your studies, research, eating, and fitness, find something fun to go see, listen to, or participate in. The calendar of events on campus must offer a wealth of great opportunities to expand your horizons or simply have fun. If a friend cannot join you, be your own best friend and enjoy this time yourself . . . your positivity attracts others to you wonderfully. While you can't divorce your family, your friends are normally based on interests you have in common. If you simply feel used by the ones you have now, then it's time to say "no thank you" to them (kindly) and move on to meet new people. Know where your goals take you and focus on meeting those goals. Your weight loss is such a great accomplishment, so I already know you have a great determination to be the healthiest person you can be. May 2011 exceed your expectation in healthy living.
    3398 days ago
  • MONICA_W
    Hey - since when do people need to be mind readers to be good friends? If you want to talk, then TELL THEM SO. You can't expect people to bend over backwards to guess that you might need something from them, when you've already told them you don't. If you're not fine, then don't say so!

    If people aren't giving you what you need from them (support, a hug, a sounding board, whatever) why not ask them for it straight up? The worst they can do is say no. Right now, you're not communicating clearly. How can you expect anyone else to communicate with you, as you so desperately want, when you aren't being straight with them? Communication takes two... you've got to do your part too! Even you realize that your little "tests" aren't fair. Drop the charade and be honest with your friends, and you may get a better response from them. I know you're in a rough patch right now, but if you need a hug or an ear, get out there and demand it!
    3398 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5826541
    boy i can relate. you have no idea how that closely mirrors my own behavior. I have been that way because I have been stabbed in the back so many times I am a little wary. I never had alot of friends growing up so I basically always looked for signs of friendship etc... as for the phone calls.... dont go there. the only time my phone would ring would be if their computer was acting up. that goodness for computers or I would never get invited over for dinner. lol.... I guess thats why I totally get into SP because I have tones of friends here...weird... Im not a bad guy...but I also realize people are busy too. I work some crazy hours etc...

    I guess im just sayin I can relate big time...
    3398 days ago
  • HALFFAST
    emoticon I can totally relate to a lot of what you said. And honestly, I have no "real" friends around here (besides my husband). I have my friends here (online/SP) but it's not the same as having someone to do stuff with. I guess because we move kind of often and I'm not very trusting of people to begin with, it's hard to make friends. Anyways, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Email me anytime (wonderwife@earthlink.net).
    3398 days ago
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