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Sometimes I just want to SCREAMMMMMMMMM......

Thursday, February 03, 2011

ok, so in an attempt to not over eat and stuff my feelings down my throat with a variety of crap, that up until now I hadn't even given a second thought to it being in the house. I'm gonna blog it out! It's done wonders to help my come to terms with Tru and her disabilities (if ya'll are interested, ya'll can read up more on that at phnx1p36tru.blogspot.com
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~Moving On~
My fitness buddy is moving away! Really we hadn't been doing much together with the winter season and what not, but she's going and with her she takes a part of me, and some of my motivation, ugh. I'm sure that our 6 mile jaunts will never be the same without eachother.

School is about to drive me INSANE, the work isn't that hard, at this point in my educational career it's just going into the fine details and review review, 24 credits till I'm an official undergraduate>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>LA
W SCHOOL HERE i COME? who knows, certainly not me. What's really got me down and the APA format, I'm holding A's in all my classes, there were a few B's a couple terms back - 3.89gpa....HOLLA, lol. I don't know if I can cut it. Weighing the pros and the cons of it have been reflected in my yo-yoing weight. The weight fluctuates, but the dress sizes just keep getting smaller though, so that's something right???

I have found myself getting into some bad patterns though, I've been indulgent in actual Value Meals on my monthly visits to McDonald's, ugh, makes me sickly thinking about it cause I knew I was full and despite walking away to play with my son, when I came back I picked at it, shame on me, empty calories will be the death of me I'm sure. Specially if I quit smoking and pick up a candy habit, that ain't happening anytime soon. I'm extremely proud of my dad who quit smoking after many MANY years, but at this point in my life, it's either the ciggerates or my sanity. I can go days without smoking and have quit before but there is something comforting about that first drawl of a Marlboro Red.

JUST LIKE........
That first bite of a Quarter pounder is pure bliss
Turkey on Thanksgiving basting in white wine or beer, depending on which family
Mashed potatoes (with cream & chives)
The smell of the grill with thick steaks and cabbage roasting
The sound of oil sizzling in the pan awaiting a fresh egg or some lovely bacon


See the fixation on food after my ciggerates???!!!! omg I might need help. Maybe it's time to go visit a doctor again, we have insurance but I'm still not where i was suppose to be to be healthy from the last visit, and I just went in for my knee the other day - slipped on the ice, ugh. I might need like a nerve relaxer or anxiety pills or IDK, HELP ME HELP ME HELP - I scream in the middle of the room and half heartattempts if any are usually made regarding my mental health. Don't get me wrong I have wonder family and friends who would do anything for me and my kids, and we never go with out, we truly are spoiled, but sometimes it seems as if I'm always standing alone and everyone is looking to me for the answers when I don't have any..........I wish I did.

All I know is I have to do what's right for me and sometimes being selfish is right, but the selfish things I do include splurging money of crafts for the kids, birthday parties for the kids, playdates for the kids, presents for friends and family, I love them all dearly, but I fear I'm suffering for stay at home mommie syndrome, I've never quite gotten use to it, but I'm determined that 2010 was the last year I'm getting a W2, until Tre' starts Kindergarten. (ABOUT A THOUSAND DAYS!!LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN. hehehe

Well I've ranted and raved enough I suppose, and now the thawed cheesecake I was going to consume for breakfast has been stored and replaced with a fiber one bar. The small things make the biggest difference right?RITE. I feel better so I hope someone else out there gains the courage to start making themselves feel better to, what ever it takes.

Go ahead, but a little selfish~in a good way, that doesn't require eating
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