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Day 395: Remember the Fabulous

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

“Do you think I need a haircut?” [Note to self: Must work on convincing people I am invisible.]

“Nope,” I say quickly. “It looks amazing.” [It really did.]

“Remember when my hair was dry and unhealthy?” [Yes, I keep these details in a notebook with your menstrual cycles - so I know when to call out sick.]

“Um… no,” I reply in an effort to escape. “It’s fabulous. Just remember the fabulous.”

She kind of rolls her eyes [as per usual - and I kind of laugh at myself. I mean really. Remember the fabulous? Yeesh.]

It is bad enough I have to interrupt my beauty sleep to be here – like every day - but I refuse to play this “tell-me-how-much-I-suck” game. [This just seems like a highly bizarre form of torture - like going to office “parties” or family dinners.]

“I want whatever drugs you’re taking,” she says joking and despondent at the same time.

Some folks would rather drop a hammer on their foot rather than take a compliment.

“It’s like you are saying the past doesn’t matter,"she continues. "I wish I could do that.” [Nope. Not going here. The spa is calling my name. And I plan to answer. Changing the topic now….]

“I can’t wait to go to the salon.” [Look – that was the best I could do.]

This is called avoidance.

Avoidance is totally handy [especially when ignoring OPD – other people’s drama.]

I should have used this tool last Thursday to avoid my own.

Let me be clear, I feel the same way about the scale that I do about dating: a) I find it hard to sustain interest, especially when I get to “know” you, b) generally, I do not like/want strangers in my house, and c) suck it.

The day started out well.

I woke up flexed my bicep while I lie in bed and rolled the opposite hand over a more-defined arm muscle. Then, I massaged the smooth, concave dip of my soft, empty belly. [The morning groping – aside from not caring – is why I am always late.]

Crisp morning air caressed my bare skin as I shuffled to the bathroom in the darkness - almost tripping over my cat [who is trying to kill me and make it look like an accident.] Then, much-appreciated hot water washed over my nakedness as I put my leg up on the side of tub to grasp the hardness of the quadricep pushing through my meaty thigh.

And it was beautiful.

Honestly, I don’t know how people get through the day without feeling themselves up…

It was in that split second, I decided to step on the scale [after peeing – a must - and digging the stupid contraption out of the closet.]

Boom! Down 1.2 pounds [and the sisters look hotter than hot – double score.]

A moment of victory.

Then a split second of frustration creeps in - because I expected more of a loss, my pants are falling off, the strength training benefits were self-evident, and I was feeling so hot, so womanly …

[Crud. I just expected more.]

Don’t do this. You know better. Muscle weighs more – I say to myself.

Think happy thoughts like – sales, furry kittens, sales, RuPaul’s Drag Race, sales, Target at 8AM…

Despite my attempts at self-hypnosis, I’ve completely lost focus since last Thursday. By that, I mean a) any place without my comforter is a bad place; b) the cold weather is driving me stir crazy; c) I don’t give a crap about the gym, unless they start providing comforters; d) I just wanna go to bed; and e) suck it.

I am not a person who needs constant motivation to do something. I have no motivation to finish grad school [hate it], pay real estate taxes [because it’s legislated thievery in my town], or go to work [self-explanatory] - and I excel at all of them.

But I am a person who has to work hard to maintain focus during the winter months. [Knowing this weakness is key and I had a plan that was working…]

I cruised right through Thanksgiving and Christmas and kept on cruising until now.

Until that one split second.

Because it only takes a split second for doubt to creep into an otherwise stellar day;

A split second for negativity and defeat to take over;

And split second to conquer any proven warrior.

If I let it, of course.

But I will not.

When push comes to shove, I am the only ruler in this joint, the queen, the judge and jury, the baller, the shot-caller, and the only opinion that matters. [Pep talk over.]

Time to kick some asparagus.

So I will do what I do best [what I have learned how to do over and over again along the way.]

I will get up.

And remember the fabulous.

Nutrition and exercise is only part of the story

Learning how to get up is where the real story lies

That and

Figuring out, defeating or avoiding that one split second.
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