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Conversations With Myself

Friday, January 21, 2011

emoticon Nobody understands.

emoticon Actually, at least 90% of them understand better than you think.

emoticon But most of that 90% don't understand what it's like to be THIS overweight.

emoticon You know better. First of all, there is a large portion that DOES understand what it's like to have more than 60-80-or even 100 pounds to lose. Second of all, who do you think you are?

emoticon I'm me. And nobody understands me.

emoticon What do you think makes you so special? How is your journey so much different than theirs? Why is your story more unique? Don't you have respect for the struggles they have face, especially when so many of those struggles are the same or, at least, similar.

emoticon Well, it's just... I'm not saying I'm special or anything... but I do have a certain unique set of circumstances. I mean, how many of them started out at over 400 pounds?

emoticon Quite a few of them actually.

emoticon Yeah, well all of them are skinnier than me now...and it was easier for them than it was for me.

emoticon Oh, now I know you must be joking. That's ridiculous!

emoticon But I have so much on my plate right now. Two jobs, looking for a new job, a better one, plus the husband and the two kids and the friend's wedding coming up and...

emoticon And tell me, what did you do yesterday?

emoticon I worked both jobs and I had to drive home in the horrible snow, nearly sliding off the road several times.

emoticon *rolls eyes* You slid twice, MAYBE 3 times, and you were never in danger of going off the road. And, besides, what did you DO at those jobs.

emoticon I wrote my article really quickly last night! *proud*

emoticon Okay, I'll give you that. You worked efficiently at your second job. And the first?

emoticon Well there was that big fiasco with the co-worker. I had to do her job as well as mine!

emoticon And exactly how log did it take you to do both jobs?

emoticon *hangs head* About 2 hours total.

emoticon Out of 8? Two hours, out of eight...is that correct?

emoticon Uhm...yes.

emoticon And, tell me...is there ANYTHING you could have done with those other 6 hours to better yourself? A workout perhaps? Maybe a few plans for next week? Menu planning? Anything?

emoticon Well, I did take care of my student loan stuff.... Oooh! And I went to the grocery store to buy new lettuce when I realized mine was bad. I could have gone to Wendy's for a cheeseburger like I wanted.

emoticon That's right, and that was great choice. But, speaking of that, what else did you buy at the store?

emoticon Wheat bread...

emoticon And...?

emoticon A single serving Skinny Cow ice cream.

emoticon And...?

emoticon *sigh* Okay! FINE! I bought a thing of chicken salad and proceeded to eat more than half of it, making 2 sandwiches when I should've only had one, and a chocolate bar, which I ate not long after, even though I already had salad and ice cream and 2 chicken salad sandwiches... THERE! Are you happy?

emoticon The question is...are you?

emoticon *a tear rolls down her cheek* No. I'm not. I could have done better.

emoticon And the time constraints of work and family...?

emoticon I could have done a workout at my desk, or walked around the building on breaks, or done some ST - crunches, squats, push-ups. I could have put on the Kinect when I got home and had fun with Hubs with that game. I had opportunities. I could have done better.

emoticon And what did you do instead, when you got home?

emoticon I stayed up too late watching TV and eating 3 bowls of chili with cheese and crackers in it... *breaks down sobbing* I'M SO SORRY!!! I CAN CHANGE, I SWEAR!

emoticon You and I both know you can change. You did. You were on it for so long and lost 85 pounds. And then...well, what happened?

emoticon Things got crazy stressful and everything started piling up and it wasn't exciting or easy anymore.

emoticon But was it always exciting and easy?

emoticon No...but I don't know that I ever remember it being this hard.

emoticon *confused* What do you mean? How could it have gotten more difficult? That doesn't make sense.

emoticon Actually, it does... sit down and let me tell you about it...

...in the beginning, it was new.
I kept going because I knew hard would fade away and because I could get away with doing so little and getting a lot of return from it.

...and then the races started...and it was good.
I struggled through each one, each time learning a lesson about myself. I went from barely walking, to half-running a 5k. I raced with friends and family and really enjoyed the praise that came for doing what I was doing even though I was still so big.

...and then winter came. The dark, cold days of winter.
Things got crazy. Holidays, work, trips...it felt like a lot. For a while I did well, because I knew that getting through the challenges would teach me something...because I knew I had an 85 pound loss behind me.

But then...then things changed. I let myself have a bite of this and a bite of that...and I remembered what I had been missing. And I took time off when my hip went out...and being lazy felt so good too. I remembered what it was like to have time to just decompress and not think. I remembered what it was like to crumble onto the couch and not move.

So, yes...by remembering, it's been much more difficult to forget again and move back into what I was doing, into what was successful. Plus, I'm still getting compliments, even though I'm not doing anything. I can ride that out for a few more weeks without anyone really realizing I've stopped being a goody-two-shoes.

emoticon Can I ask you a question?

emoticon Sure! Fire away. *confident*

emoticon Do you remember anything else? I mean, have you been remembering anything else?

emoticon ....I don't know what you're talking about...

emoticon Are you sure? Anything that wasn't such a wonderful memory.

emoticon No. *looks away*

emoticon I don't believe you.

emoticon *sigh*

emoticon *stares, patiently waiting*

emoticon *frustrated* FINE! It's been a little harder to breathe lately...but that could just be the weather change...

emoticon Sure. Of course. Anything else?

emoticon *crosses arms* Stamina.

emoticon I'm sorry?

emoticon My stamina. It feels like it's gone. I don't even know if I could walk a 5k anymore. And my strength is gone too. I'm weak. And tired. And sick all the time.

emoticon Are you sure?

emoticon Sure about what? Look, I confessed, alright! I said it. I'm a sad, pathetic, weak, fat person again. Do you have to rub my nose in it?

emoticon I think you're mistaken.

emoticon About what? What the hell are you talking about. I told you what you wanted. I told you that I'm back to being flabby and fat and disgusting and lazy again. I told you everything and now you keep pestering me about something or other and I don't understand. Do you want me to tell you I also feel completely unattractive again? Or how about that I feel like the fattest person in the gym again...and a fraud. Yep, that too. I feel like a fraud, a phony, a fake. And I feel unloved...like nobody here or anywhere cares what I do anymore and they're all just waiting for me to fail. It's been too long. I've had too much success. It was a good run, and I wish I could've gone further, but I can't run anymore - pun intended. *forces a laugh* Can you just go away now? *pouts*

emoticon You're wrong.

emoticon About what?

emoticon All of it. Listen. Listen carefully.

You think you've failed the past two months. You've seen no progress since November, you think. You think you've lost all of your strength and stamina in those 2 months and now it will take you another 6 months to get back tower you are. I can hear that fear in your voice, and the belief that you don't have enough strength left for that.

First of all, you do. You have enough strength for an entire lifetime. Giving up is not an option because every day spent not living is a day spent dying.

Second of all, you're lying to yourself. In November you had great successes. If I remember correctly, it was the first time you were able to zip up those 24s, no matter how uncomfortable they were. You've been to the gym countless time in those two months. You rocked challenges and saw yourself shrinking...and everyone around you noticed.

The last time you were at the gym? Tuesday. That was 2 days ago. And the week before that you spent in Vegas walking mile after mile. Oh, and about that 5k you don't think you can walk anymore? I have to tell you -- you just did. Remember the 3.8 miles at the Grand Canyon? That was more than a 5k. And YOU did that. Even when it was hard because of ice and snow on the path. Even when Andrea was bugging you. Even when you couldn't breathe because of the change in elevation and the crisp winter air...you did that. You found your footing and you completed that walk and you didn't really feel all that sore after stretching when you came back. And you followed it with more days of walking all day and night! You didn't even take a rest day.

emoticon Well, I guess you're right about that...used to be that rest days were necessary after a 5k. But...I rested a lot when I came back.

emoticon You sure did. 4 days of blissful nothing that you completely earned with a week of walking, a 5k, jet lag, a sinus and ear infection that have yet to surrender completely. Your body made you sleep because it needed to repair. And, in all honesty, I don't think it's anywhere near 100% again...not yet.

emoticon But what if it never gets there? And....well, what if I never get to run again?

emoticon If it does turn out that you cannot run for fear of serious injury, you will deal with that. Just as persons who have lost mobility from a freak car accident learn to cope, you will cope with whatever medical issues you have. BUT there's no saying that you can't run again...you just need to train again. And you know that for you that looks different than it does for most people starting out.

emoticon Yeah...I hate that.

emoticon Hate what? Being different?

emoticon *pouts* Yeah.

emoticon Okay, that's too silly for me to even address considering we are ALL different. ...moving on... Your training regimen includes at least 1-2 full weeks of strength training in your hip. You thought when you started running that the running would do the job to get your hip into shape, but you were wrong. There's nothing wrong with being wrong. We learned a valuable lesson. You need strength training in order to run.

emoticon *growls* I HATE that I have to do more work to achieve the same goal!! It's not fair!!

emoticon Get over it. Those people with mobility issues from a freak accident? They've had the option of even training in ANY way stolen from them. You get over it right now and count your blessings.

emoticon *crosses arm* Fine. ...you're right.

emoticon So, getting back to it...you train. You train hard. You work that hip in any strength training moves you can find for those hip muscles. And in a week or two, you take a tiny jog to test the hip. If it feels good, you start back slowly...once a week. When that feels alright, you can go back to 2-3 times a week. And after that you can chose to either go back to C25k or find/create a different program that works for you. Strength training, though, must stay in place the ENTIRE time you're working on your running. We know that now. Hopefully that will keep the knee strong and you won't run into the same problem -- pun intended. *chuckles* So, what do you think?

emoticon I don't even know where we were going with this conversation...

emoticon Going? Why do we have to always be going somewhere? This conversation was a chance for you to sit within yourself and figuring out what the demons are that you've been fighting. It's a chance to confront your fears head on and a chance to realize that you aren't as bad off as you've been telling yourself you are. It's also a chance for you to understand -- if you continue to ignore the problem, it doesn't go away...it gets worse. You will gain weight eventually with that kind of eating and "i just don't care" attitude. And eventually you will lose your strength and stamina and all the ability you've gained.

These conversation with yourself are important because - who else can tell when you're lying better than you can? Who else is better at remembering than you than....you!

emoticon But...what do I do with all this information?

emoticon *sighs* *smiles* Isn't it obvious?

emoticon *shrugs* *looks around* *shrugs again*

emoticon Get back on the horse. Stop lying to yourself and get your head back in the game. All is not lost. You need a heavy dose of great, healthy food - a splash of gym-time and exercise - a nice, big helping of strength training - a 'try-it-again' serving of the run - and a good quantity of sleep and rest in between.

emoticon Sounds good, actually. But I'm not sure I'm ready for all of it yet.

emoticon That's fine. Start with one thing. Or wait and start when you're ready. But know that the longer you wait, the harder it is to come back. Make it easier on yourself by trying just 1 of those things tonight...even if it is extra sleep.

emoticon I think I can do that. I'll try.

emoticon Just so you know...even trying burns calories....but doing burns more.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SKINNYINMYHEAD
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    3649 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    You are doing just what Judith Beck, PhD's teaches in her wonderful book "The BECK Diet Solution." I got it at the library. It isn't a "diet" but how to change your THINKING and live like a THIN person. She's a professor at the University of Pennsylvania. She says until we learn to answer back to those negative thoughts in our heads, we will continue to give into them. We have a Spark Team here for support. emoticon This is really about taking care of our health.
    3649 days ago
  • MARTELLA3
    Black and white thinking will get us every time. Good for you for taking the time to shed light on your "assumptions."

    This is the first winter that I have been committed about weight loss and fitness. It definitely takes more mental energy this time of year.

    Fear not, Spring has got to arrive eventually.
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    3649 days ago
  • DEBANNE1124
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    One of the best motivating blogs ever. You did great. thanks for sharing!
    Debbie
    3649 days ago
  • ABB698
    Loved it! Success will be yours again, no doubt! emoticon
    3649 days ago
  • MAGSA10
    emoticon emoticon emoticon blog, you have hit every thing that I think most of us feel or have felt at one time or another. You have made me stop and take an honest look at myself and how I feel. Have a great weekend and stay strong and keep on Sparking.

    Maggie j. emoticon
    3649 days ago
  • BLUESKY104
    emoticon Blog -- Failure does not occur unless you give up -- it is good to see that you are not even close to that emoticon emoticon for facing that demon within and conquering it -- Keep the forward momentum going emoticon emoticon
    3649 days ago
  • NANA-JEAN
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    3649 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
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    3649 days ago
  • SPARKLINGHOPE
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    3649 days ago
  • GOGOSHIRE
    Great blog as usual, Esther. I enjoyed seeing what's going on in your mind and how your positive spirit triumphed!
    3649 days ago
  • ATREAT4ME
    Thank you, thank you, thank you! What a great privilege to read that conversation. You said things to yourself that have been tip-toeing around in my own mind but I haven't really acknowledged. In my mind, it all sounds whinny and wimpy and wussy. Reading these similar thoughts in your blog, however, entertains, enlightens, and enthuses me for my own journey. A huge THANK YOU!

    I want to take better stock of my own progress this weekend and then determine how to rev up my journey again. I've given myself a start date of Monday, Jan. 24. But, I think a frank assessment of progress to date will produce insights that will strengthen my resolve.

    Thank you for showing me how to do this, for being the example I needed for this very long journey, and for treating yourself with the love you deserve. I, most of all, appreciate that because I'm beginning to think to that I'm too harsh my Darlin' Cheryl. I just don't know any better, but you are teaching me and I appreciate that so much!
    3649 days ago
  • COOLMAMA11
    I loved this blog, and could really relate...no one said this journey would be an easy one..Keep on Keeping on!

    Hugs Elaine emoticon
    3649 days ago
  • GOING2LOSENOW
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    3649 days ago
  • HOLISTICJESSICA
    emoticon blog! Reading it, I kept thinking...this sounds an awful lot like me. I have had similar conversations and know what...I think they really help. I have always felt, since beginning this journey, that reflection is extremely helpful. You are well on your way emoticon
    3649 days ago
  • FITMARY
    Great blog! I love the way you convinced that devil in the end!
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    3649 days ago
  • NUMD97
    Very nicely done. Thank you. This applies to a lot of things, not just weight. And I, frankly, needed to revisit a lot of what you said here.

    Wonderfully written, and greatly appreciated,

    Nu
    3650 days ago
  • ICANTODAY
    Love this blog!
    3650 days ago
  • HARMONYBLUE
    Oh the ways we beat ourselves up and pep ourselves up over and over again. This journey is very much like quitting smoking (Never quit quitting). In this case, we must never quit trying. And trying will lead to doing.
    3650 days ago
  • TIGERJANE
    omg I loved this! Thanks for letting us in on your journey! Your blogs are some of the most well-written, interesting, insightful ones on this site, with a wicked sense of humor to boot!
    3650 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7466362
    I feel like a fly on the wall of your brain (oh wait, that didn't come out right!). You have a firm grip and a gentle nudge approach. Truly said: *it's not always exciting and easy*.

    3650 days ago
  • REDCHILIFLAKES
    What an awesome conversation with yourself! It's amazing what amount of insight we can gain if we just change the way we look at things! I am definitely going to take your format and try it out, I think I may learn a thing or two.

    Thanks for sharing!
    3650 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8301081
    emoticon You are amazing and you will get where you want to be. emoticon
    3650 days ago
  • KITHKINCAID
    I just wrote a blog about Obligations. I think maybe you might be in a similar place too. The things that you HAVE to do get you down about the things that you WANT to do - and you honestly have to remind yourself that you do actually, WANT to do them. I find thinking about it that way helps a bit. You're carrying around a lot of stresses that DO put you in a special circumstance - I'm amazed that you get done as much as you do on yourself because with all the other peripheral stuff, I'd want to sit on my couch and eat chili too. I think you're doing great.
    3650 days ago
  • MAGPIE17
    While I loved this whole conversation, this was my favourite part: " Just so you know...even trying burns calories....but doing burns more." That might be going on my fridge!
    3650 days ago
  • SARAWALKS
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    3650 days ago
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