Day 376: Banging the Cabinet Doors
Friday, January 07, 2011
I totally love stay-cations. I spent the last ten days of the year getting to know my house again and recuperating from the end-of-the-year drama [by that, I mean having to engage with people who fundamentally annoy me.]
I have come up with the following peacemaking statement, "Thank you for sharing [you complete idiot – use inner voice here]. Have a great day [far away from me – use inner voice again.]" Smile. Exit. Shake my booty. Next.
Hm... needs work - I know. I am still calling this conflict resolution.
The interpersonal drama with “friends” the last few months was torturous but really helped me “get it.” [I should thank them. Not.] But here it is in a nutshell.
People cannot give me the love my mommy never did.
Settling for men who are not worthy of me cannot fill the void of an absentee father.
Love starts with me. Peace starts with me.
This means seek peace so I can have peace - not lose my power in situations.
Just don’t let situations have power over me.
[Sigh. This is gonna take all year...]
Anyway, I feel great now - so back to stay-cations.
I noticed my cats needed a lifestyle change while I was in home-heaven.
They suck in food like a vacuum so I tried to ration their intake [2 measured feedings a day. Simple? No.]
They quickly planned retaliation by banging the kitchen cabinet doors for three nights until I gave in. [I know. Right? Pure evil genius.]
Now, any time their bowl is half empty [not empty] – they meow like complete lunatics. And I fill the bowl - like a good butler.
Conflict resolved… They get what they want. I get peace [even though I’m keeping Purina in business – a small concession.]
Anyway, I thought I would try to make goals for the first [maybe second] time in the 12 months since I've been here.
I tried for about an hour - and then I got bored and resumed watching General Hospital [a whole channel just for soap operas. Who knew?]
I have the attention span of a gnat.
And I like the freedom to change things when I feel like it.
So right now, I am doing strength training [Monday, Wednesday and Friday] for 1 hour and cardio for 1 hour [on Tuesday, Thursday, maybe Saturday - and so far I am rocking it!] And I am even eating better than ever – like less processed stuff [12 months later... but still cool. Huh?]
I am convinced one of the reasons I am still here - on day 376 - is that I gave myself permission to find what is right for me [so I can be happy.]
I was talking to a friend at work about gym memberships. Out of nowhere, he asked me [as if it was a test] - do I walk up the stairs instead of using the elevator? It really is funny how many people have asked me this. [Get a hobby – really.]
I said: "Nope." He continued by chiding me for not wanting to bound up the stairs as if using elevators were a contradiction to being healthy.
Just for the record, I have an affinity for lots of modern amenities. I use a washer instead of beating my clothes against a rock. I am sure that's cardio too - and still I decline because a) I say so, b) I don't want to and c) it's cold outside.
So I said, "Not only that. I don't work my core. I know I have one but I chose not to associate with it. I do most cardio at a slow to moderate speed. And I don't like inclines or hills or going fast - because I am trying to watch Judge Judy." Of course, he laughed. [People always think I'm kidding. I am not.]
“When is the last time you worked out?” I asked. “Can’t remember,” he said. [Bored now. Time for lunch...]
My point is I am more apt to do things I enjoy. [It’s a nifty trick – called fun.] And I am more apt to be successful and happy if what I am doing aligns with
Who I am.
This journey is about making me happy. Not other people.
And I am not interested in any plan that does not fulfill me or is not inspired by me or that I didn't figure out for myself ['cause it is my life.]
And I don't want to start being who I am after I reach my goal. I am a person right now.
Granted, it does take time to figure this stuff out [I mean I just had the epiphany that I can find ways to really enjoy vegetables - even if Denzel Washington is not feeding them to me in the buff...]
But getting my life back seems like a fair trade to me.
And so 376 days, 20,675 fitness minutes and 55 pounds later
I am still here.
Banging cabinet doors.
Making some noise in my own life.
Declaring what I want, what I need
And fighting the darkness because that is what it takes.
Daring to be me.
Because I say so.