Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to wallow in a bad place? I've been in a few bad places in my long life and it's always been easier to sit there in the muck of it than to pull myself out and find a better place to be.
For example - my weight. I was obese for so long! It was never a happy place for me. I could never pretend that those extra pounds creeping up over my thighs and jiggling on my belly were good things. I worried constantly about my health - convinced I was killing myself with every cookie I ate but eat I did. I hated mirrors, deleted photos, wore shapeless clothes; felt (was!) unlovable Everything about being obese made me unhappy yet I stayed there for such a long, long time.
Another example is my career. I'm an RN but I have never been in a nursing role that I enjoyed let alone loved. I couldn't physically manage shift work (couldn't sleep during the day so imagine a zombie carrying a hyperdermic needle around a quiet unit at 3 am and you'll have an accurate picture of me by my third night shift) so I jumped at the first chance I had to move into a day role. None of them have ever fit well and I have never been happy at work but I've stayed for years (and years) sucked into the muck afraid to make change.
It's just easier to stay in the muck than it is to face the truth of your unhappiness and begin to make change. Things had to become unbearable for me to take those first tentative baby steps towards a healthier life. And, as you know, I made so many tiny changes that they eventually added up to a whole new me - physically, spiritually and emotionally at least. I still needed to address the career issue.
In the past 18 months, a kernal has been taking root in the muckpile of my career. I analysed what wee bits I liked about my most recent role and realized that coaching my clients (all internationally educated nurses (IEN) trying to become registered in Ontario) to own their journeys and understand what they need to do to be successful is the highlight of my day. My greatest success was sometimes helping an IEN realize that she didn't even want to be a nurse anymore!! I love helping people connect with their own power and tap into that to make their own life and, best of all, I'm good at it!
I started looking into coaching as a career - everytime I got into an article or book that resonated with my new idea, I felt overwhelmed - like a current was running through me. Often, I had to stop reading and walk away because the power of the words were too much to bear. It was like I was putting my hand into a flame - I kept needing to pull back at the last minute because of the heat it was generating in my soul. It was a strange combination of anxiety and attraction yet, after every small break, I was drawn back to this idea of becoming a life coach.
The first place I announced my ambition was here on sparkpeople back in September. Writing it down was the first step to making it real. It was scary to write it and, even as I re-read my words, I felt overwhelmed by the change I was planning. I wasn't confident that I could be brave enough to go through with it.
My daughter's illness was a catalyst - leaving my job to care for her felt like a sign from the universe that I was meant to pursue this. I used my spare time to focus on programs of study that would meet my needs - I plan to focus on health coaching and require an accredited program to mesh with my professional obligations as an RN. I wanted something that could be done online since my DH and I travel a lot and I teach online so am confident in my ability to learn that way.
Yesterday I enrolled. Today I will set up my online profile at school, find my way around the curriculum and sign up for classes for next week. It's happening!!! And I am as jittery as a schoolgirl on her first date! I couldn't sit still yesterday! I didn't sleep a wink last night! I was in and out of bed so many times you'd think there were bed bugs biting me. My heart rate is elevated; my mind is racing; my nerves are twitching.
I can't wait to get this started.
later - PS - I just realized I wrote "hyperdermic" instead of "hypodermic"...man, that should tell you something about my nursing skills ;) I'd fix the error but it's kind of cute to me so I'm leaving it as is!