The road less travelled.
Friday, October 29, 2010
FIRST and FOREMOST:
THANK YOU SPARKFRIENDS!!!
I am feeling very loved and supported. Thank you so much for visiting my blog and offering words of encouragement - they mean so much to me!
Second - family update:
My DD with the optic neuritis is feeling better physically but the recovery of her vision has been slow. We were advised yesterday that there has been no improvement in her one, completely blind eye and only marginal improvement in her other. She is seeing a little better out of that eye though and the neuro-opthamologist is optimistic that she'll recover functional vision in at least one eye.
She's actually started painting again - did I mention that she's an artist and is in a visual arts program at university? It has made this illness even more tragic but she's been in the studio painting this week and enjoying the outlet for her stress. One painting she's working on now is some of her best work - what lesson in adversity is there for all of us in that?
I admire her.
My DD and my DGSs are coping but that's all. I HAVE to get myself to Colorado to help her manage for a week! It's driving me crazy that I can't get to her! I am hoping that DD#3 will recovery enough vision within the next 3-4 weeks to be more independent - right now she's still afraid to go out on her own because she can't see if a car is coming when she crosses the road! But, fingers crossed, every day shows some small improvement and maybe, just maybe, she'll be better in a month.
So - the stress continues but I have learned now that life is a constant lesson if you're open to the teaching! This emotional upheaval has allowed me the freedom to feel so much psychic pain that I had no choice but to get deeply, darkly into it ~
I long ago realized that, when life starts getting really hard, you become stuck travelling a path of pain. In the past, I've always headed straight down the hill right in front of me. It's a dark road that leads to despair and depression and, in my case, to the fridge and pantry! It's downhill so it's easy to stay the course; to sink lower and lower into the darkness. It's lonely and scary and the food, while plentiful, never quite fills you up. It's a road to absolute unhappiness.
This trip, I was on that path but this time, before I got past the first bag of chips, I noticed a wee trail to the left with a small candle burning way off in the distance. I've never seen it before and, while it was uphill and less known to me, I decided to take this route instead. This path was littered with scraps of paper bearing evidence of the things my aggrieved brain knew to be true 4 months ago but the lack of light in my life had made them difficult to remember. Using the candle, I forced my tired brain to pick them up and read them outloud:
I am the source of my own power.
I can change.
My thoughts are just thoughts - they, too, can be changed.
I can grow.
I can't control anything beyond my own thinking.
I am loved.
I love back.
I deserve to be happy under any circumstance...
...and I can be.
Choosing that alternate path and being emotionally raw has been an amazing experience! I have become calm. I am the pillar of support to my family. I am fearless despite the scary things I have surrounding me.
I wish I could describe better what this feels like but I can tell you what it has inspired.
I am quitting my job and my life killing commute. I am taking the rest of the year off and will be starting Professional Coach training in January. I have lined up 2 speaking engagements in January with local weight loss clubs to tell my story of transformational change and, hopefully, inspire others. I am returning to my studio to start painting again - something I haven't done for over a year since my artist daughter moved out. I am embracing my true self again.
It's going to be a huge financial stress - but that challenge excites me too. We spend too much money - it'll be energizing to see what we can do without!
So - my life is still under a TON of stress but I feel completely alive. My heart is still broken by the pain my family is suffering but I am still whole and happy. It's been an incredible journey once again this time taking a road less travelled.