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What else can I do?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I am stumped. Now, keep in mind it is almost 1 am, I am tired, stressed and teary-eyed, so I may be a bit over dramatic... but I need to vent.

I love my boyfriend very much. He is a great guy and I know he loves me... but sometimes I feel like at any moment it's all going to come crashing down.

When we first started dating (nearly 4 years ago), he was SO into me. Wanted to spend lots of time with me, would put his hand up my skirt under the table at dinner, and we had great sex... at least 4 times a week. And I know that it dies off, especially as the excitement of new love wears off... but for the past year we have sex once a month. And that's usually because I say something about how long it's been... and then to me it feels like pity sex. I mean seriously, how many times is "normal?"

I guess I may over analyze this all too much. See, he is the first guy I've ever been with. He's the first guy I have loved. I dated, don't get me wrong, but fear of having an unwanted baby or STD kept me from doing more than just a little under the sweater action. And I get nervous.... because a lot of my friend/family who ended up marrying the first serious relationship they were in... ended in divorce. So I always told myself I was going to play the field... but that was before I met Shaun... who is... perfect for me. But I guess my fears come because I don't know what's normal... I don't know when things should play out, or how because I've never gotten this close to anyone.

Then to top it off, while he is my first, I am #5 for him, so of course I worry that I am not as good and blah blah blah. Which I have gotten over for the most part, but still... it has led to a few arguments and I think part of the decline.

Also, add in BOTH of us have gained about 20-30 pounds since we started dating... I can't even fit into that cute little denim skirt he used to love me in, so I know that can't help... but I guess to me I still love him just as much and still find him incredibly good looking... but maybe he doesn't feel the same about me.

So what should I do? Do I fight? Do I walk away? Do I say something again? Do I just hold it in me until I forget? I don't know... I am hoping someone brilliant and amazing in relationships can tell me what to do. I honestly love him... more then I ever thought I could love anyone and I don't want to lose him. And I do know he loves me, I just don't know if he's still attracted to me.... I just don't know.
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