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Day 281: Naked with Sir Quips-A-Lot

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Friday, October 15, 2010

The morning sun is peaking through the top of the curtain and I can see my nakedness clearly in the dresser mirror across the room. My pendulous, womanly sisters are glistening and it feels like the force of the ocean is roaring beneath me.

I look down - and when Mr. Wonderful's eyes are open, it is like he is looking at the most delicious steak, and when they are closed - it is like he is savoring it.

This is dope.

Not because I have managed to have [insert Pig Latin here] ex-say during this presidential administration. [My average is every 1.5 presidential admins - it is just easier to buy batteries in bulk from Home Depot than grapple with the drama surrounding ex-say and nudity and/or dudes.]

But because things like stretch marks and extra skin and jiggly bits hadn't even crossed my mind [I mean I was totally enthralled with how great the sisterhood was rocking it. I know. Right? Focus.]

And never in a billion years did I think I would be comfortable naked in front of another human being - in this way.

But I was.

And it felt like freedom to know the life where I picked men who hated my body is behind me.

And it felt like freedom to know that I can admire my body with love.

But enough about ex-say. That started weeks ago. Now, I am two seconds away from slapping Mr. Wonderful's Adam's apple right off his neck. [Figuratively, of course - real violence is tacky and highly unethical. I am just talking about imaginary slapping here because I am angry.]

I haven't spoken to him since last Sunday when we spent our first full weekend together [big mistake – or maybe a blessing in disguise].

As Mr. Wonderful gets more comfortable [we've been dating since August 29th], he is unleashing tons o’ sarcastic jokes all. the. time [ugh!] in lieu of actual conversation.

I let the first sarcastic "joke" go a month ago when he laughingly said "we" have to do something about all of the cat hair in my house. [a) I have cats, hence cat hair, b) how rude?!, c) I do not like being told to clean - like "oh no he didn't," and d) shut up.]

My house will not pass any white glove test - like ever, if the judge is sober - but it is appropriately organized, passably clean and Febreezed for company ['cause I was raised right]. I replied, "Anytime you want to clean my house, then clean. You can also stay home.”

Mostly, I figured we were still getting to know each other's sense of humor.

Last weekend, we went to the Morris Arboreteum in Pennsylvania [totally gorgeous and fun] and then we had lunch in Chestnut Hill. The weather was unusually spring-like on this fall day.

At night, he brought groceries and poured me a glass of wine and lovingly offered to serve me fruit, cheese and crackers that he meticulously cut and arranged on a plate. Yes, there are super sweet moments.

But then there was last weekend where he started calling me a "princess" because I like the doors held open for me. [It never seemed a problem before…] Again, he says he is just joking.

Don't get me wrong - I like sarcasm. I like jokes. But like cute accessories - less is more [I'm just sayin'].

I felt every question or comment or conversation ended with a sarcastic quip [relentless, exhausting...] and I said so.

He reiterated that he is just trying to have fun. He gave me a few suggestions on how to handle his joking instead of acting like an angry “third-grader.” [Yes, he said third-grader and again he cleverly cloaked it in laughter.] There was also something about not changing each other after that… but I was issed-pay.

The old me would laugh it off too.

The old me would make excuse upon excuse to salvage the romance and just stay angry and miserable, wasting years of this precious life.

The old me would try to figure him out like a psychologist and be understanding.

But that was then and this is now.

Now, my feelings matter. And I have a no-tolerance policy for name-calling or underhanded insults masquerading as jokes [because they are not funny]. And I am not understanding like Oprah – and his inner-child can suck it.

Because the one thing – and one of the most important things – I have learned on this journey is that words are powerful. They can lift you up to unthinkable heights or drag you down to the same dark places.

I don’t know where the carefree, sincere conversation absconded to, but I will happily follow.

I much prefer to be happy and free any day. Freedom is not a consolation prize - freedom is a gift. Period. [And freedom doesn't art-fay or use my bathroom. See - that is a joke.]

Still, there is a message on my voicemail from Sir Quips-A-lot [aka and formerly Mr. Wonderful] left on Tuesday. He says, "Hey Sexy. Just calling to check on you."

I never said he wasn't sweet. He is.

It will make dumping him much harder.

But I will manage.

As it turns out, I can open doors.

I can also close them.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JAN615
    I so look forward to your blogs. I love your unapologetic self confidence. You don't apologize to anyone for you being you. If they don't like.....they can suck it!!!! emoticon
    3273 days ago
    wow you just rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    3285 days ago
    hmmm...just reading this blog i find him annoying...so have you dumped him or not? i like that you are finding your inner strength and self...
    3296 days ago
  • no profile photo PRAYERS4PEACE
    I, too, really like your blog! You are a really beautiful woman and you can pick and choose men! I know that you are right to listen to what a man jokes about, because what they joke about, they are serious about. It is good that you found out who he was early on!
    3296 days ago
    He sounds like a total passive aggressive loser- hows that for name calling!!- yay for spotting it all early - i too have wasted years trying to make ME better in relationships where only HE counted.

    I hope he didnt let the door hit him on the ......on the way out...and how could it ever be considered a good date when you can't pull a febreezed cat hair or two out of both nostrils. emoticon
    3297 days ago
    I have to agree with your comment that waisitng years of valueble time with someone is not worth it. I did it 3 times. Now I am happy married but if the day came that things changed I would definately not waste valuable years.
    3301 days ago
  • VAJRA82
    I know I'm behind the times, but this blog is the best. thing. ever.

    First of all, I am so damn happy for you, Teeny, to be able to have so many (and conflicting) victories (see: uninhibited ex-say and dumping). It is so, so hard to kick someone out who occasionally makes us feel special no matter how they might make us feel the rest of the time.

    You are an example to us all!
    3313 days ago
    I like that you are confident and sure of yourself.
    Life is too short to waste time with people that don't make you feel
    the way you want to feel, (which is GOOD.)
    There are many new "Mr Wonderfuls" out there, and you will meet
    another. With that smile, you can't lose. 2011, watch out for Teeny Bikini, cause she is no one to mess with!

    3313 days ago
    Ok that's it, I'm subscribing and I'm only on blog post #2 of your writings. Love it!
    3314 days ago
    Better late then never. I can't believe I missed this one. So why did you dump him? or did you? Love your way with words. Thanks for the smile. : )

    Merry Christmas & God bless.

    •*´¨) † God's Blessings
    ¸.• ¸.•*´¨)¸.•*¨) †
    (¸.• ♥ Kathy ♥
    3314 days ago
    i don't know you, but i LOVE you. lol... this is an AWESOME blog, woman. i'm friending you. so there. =)
    3315 days ago
    I'm with PUNZIE - Dayum!! Way to state ONCE AGAIN what I've been through the last little while. You are so incredibly in touch with what's happening and are also blessed with the talent to have us feel it too. I'm sorry you had to kick this guy to the curb, but I know you know in your heart of hearts that he was not the right one. The way you're rockin' it, I'm sure you've had 'em lining up! Oh, and great job on the ex-say! This guy is a dope for ever messing up with you, hot stuff!!

    3325 days ago
  • MINNA72
    You're an amazing writer. This was seriously funny and through-provoking.
    And you can definitely do a hell of a lot better than Sir Quips-A-Lot! LOL
    3328 days ago
    Okay, I'm better late than never. This came in while I was at work, and as much as I would like to, I can't get through blogs that I have to concentrate on, or blogs that I know I will want to respond back to...hence one day turned into 30. So, by now you have moved on. I will share what I think you can take away from this Mr Wonderful aka Quips A Lot.... 1)that you are comfortable in your own skin 2)That you can have sex if and when you feel like it 3)That your folks taught you manners (holding doors for someone) 4)That you are not desparate 5)That having the house to yourself with your loving felines is not a bad thing 5)That you are just fine with yourself just the way you are. Amen.
    3331 days ago
  • _THEA_
    Good for you! Fab-u-lous!!!!!!!!!! emoticon
    3333 days ago
    OMG....I wanted you to know that I'm sitting here with my 87 year old mother. I read this to here and she absolutely "HOOOOOOTED"! Thank you, my dear, for providing so much fun and entertainment to all your admirers out there. ADD ONE MORE! Momma says,"She RAWWWWKS!" HAHAHAHA
    XXOO MARYANN emoticon
    3333 days ago
    Have been away for a while, but I am still blown away by how well you write and your wonderful journey that you're cataloging for us to follow. Good on you for knowing what you want and not settling for ullsh*t-bay masquerading as jokes or love. Full respect of the other as an equal is the most important thing in any relationship.
    3334 days ago
    Have been away for a while, but I am still blown away by how well you write and your wonderful journey that you're cataloging for us to follow. Good on you for knowing what you want and not settling for ullsh*t-bay masquerading as jokes or love. Full respect of the other as an equal is the most important thing in any relationship.
    3334 days ago
    Hey lady, been out of the loop for a long while and catching up on your blog has made me laugh, as always! I found my own Mr Wonderful a few weeks back (well, long story behind that one, we've known each other for six years!), and I think I'm keeping this one for good! Hope everything is going awesomesauce for you!
    3336 days ago
    I am so happy that you've found your inner strength! Keep going and keep opening and closing those doors! I so admire your journey.
    3339 days ago
  • PUNZIE73
    One word. DAYUM!

    Seriously. I laughed so hard, I know I burned some calories and felt my stomach tighten and tense so much it HAS to be the equivalent of 50 crunches or something! You really have a way with words!


    PS. Oh, by the way I dated a guy a few years back who just couldn't take my brand of sarcasm either. It was easy to let him go. I told him, he could "suck it". Of course, my humor was lost on him and he didn't get it. I had to break out the illustrations and visual aids but it finally caught on.
    3340 days ago
    "I much prefer to be happy and free any day. Freedom is not a consolation prize - freedom is a gift. Period. [And freedom doesn't art-fay or use my bathroom. See - that is a joke.]"

    Love this!

    Thanks for the awesome blog.

    3342 days ago
    You're an absolutely great writer, thanks for sharing. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3346 days ago
    Good for you!!
    3347 days ago
    You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Trust your instincts & don't settle for anything less than what is important to you & YOU DESERVE.

    You are AMAZING, Beautiful lady who knows what she wants!

    Go, girl!
    3350 days ago
    I've been with my own Mr. Wonderful for the last 2 years. He's even managed to keep the title!

    We don't argue much at all, except over the finer sticking points when discussing articles or situations we've read about. We tend to come to the same conclusion through different paths.

    He can be sarcastic. Then again, so can I. What made it work for us was a very forthright discussion about what is and isn't ok, and really, putting a safe-word in place in case one feels the other has gone to far. We've used this equally. We've also both learned to properly apologize (sans sarcasm) when it's felt to be needed. Normally this comes after the fact, meaning that both parties have had a chance to think on it. Genuine apologies?! Must be love!

    Being together has been a huge sacrifice for both of us. He's allergic to my cat - which has forced my minimal cleaning skills to improve. His sacrifice is coming over to be with me- and even to cuddle with my giant panther of a cat- and to love us both, even though we give him hell. Anyone else, and I would've handed them a tissue and told 'em to bug off.

    Now, he lives in New Zealand, thanks to Disney laying off an entire studio's worth of employees, prompting him to take a job overseas. It's hell. We're on skype every day, but nothing replaces touch. If he hadn't proven himself to be the Mr. Wonderful I know him to be (which he forcefully disputes said statement's accuracy)- no way in hell I'd put up with such nonsense.

    Either way, my point is this:
    Don't ever ucking-fay settle for less then love.
    Those little annoyances add up.
    If they aren't worked out quickly, it'll only get worse.
    You're awesome for figuring this out and taking the lead.
    3351 days ago
    You are great, brilliant and beautiful. You don't need sarcastic crap from Sir Quips-a-lot. Do what you need to do!
    3355 days ago
    You are so right!! Choose you! He can go tell his demeaning "jokes" to someone else who is willing to settle for it.

    You amaze me.
    3355 days ago
    Good for you!
    3357 days ago
    WHY the cupcakes u do know I am trying to get in shape, don't u?
    Willpower Willpower LOL.... It is like a bakery around here:)
    3360 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/6/2010 4:01:48 PM
    Well, boys, this comment is going to offend anyone with a Y chromosome, so pull up your boxers and deal. Honey, it's the same old thing: familiarity breeds contempt. Hate to say it, but all men do this. If they have a you-know-what, they'll do it. It broke my heart to read your earlier blogs about how happy you were with him and how wonderful he was, because I knew that any minute, the other shoe would drop, and he'd start the "stupid man tricks". I hoped against hope that he would be an exception, but alas, I was mistaken. The successful ladies among us break this nasty little habit early on in whatever way they see fit, whether it's out-and-out dumping, verbal shredding, crying fits, demands of appeasement in the form of expensive jewelry (which can be pawned later if the need arises, heh heh), and sometimes even laying the ground rules in the Queen's English complete with subtitles (like "when I say, 'it's fine', IT'S NOT FINE!!!"). For those of us with the self-loathing issues (Mrs. K raises her hand in acknowledgment), we either wait until no training will help, or we marry them and have a hell of a time training them ten-plus years down the road. I am so glad to see that you have the wherewithall to kick this yahoo to the curb sooner rather than later. I am also glad that you have the emotional maturity to be able to enjoy the relationship for what it was, and get on with your life. There is absolutely no shame whatsoever about wanting to remain single. I'm not going to lie: a lot of the time, being in a committed relationship is a giant pain in the ass. Compromise really sucks. Marriage is an even bigger pain in the ass, mostly because that bit in the vows about "for better, for richer, and in health" is just there so the species will be fooled into procreating in a more-or-less orderly fashion for another generation. When I was young and foolish, I thought that I needed a man to be considered a whole woman. I have two words for that: BIG LIE. You go on being the awesome goddess that you are. If you don't find Mr. Wonderful, don't sweat it. You may have to settle for Mr. Good-Enough, if you decide to settle at all. But don't be in an all-fired hurry. I mean, I love my husband, but I sure wish I would have given it some more thought or had some counseling before I decided he was "the one," or at the very least had a more healthy relationship with myself so I could have trained him properly early on! ;)
    3361 days ago
    He messed with the wrong "Third Grader" this time. WTG!!
    3361 days ago
    okay seriously, you should consider publishing these blogs. you are a fantastic writer. FANTASTIC! some kind "diary" or such.
    3361 days ago
    *sigh* this is making me appreciate my hubby more and more... I've been through enough "Mr. (not so) Wonderful's" who liked me... but...

    Like you said in your latest blog - you have embrace and love you, be comfy with your own company, before you can accept that you deserve better than average company. Sooo happy that I've got someone who accepts me, my cat hair, my lack of cleaning skills, my jiggly bits and all... someone besides myself, anyway. :)
    3361 days ago

    Don't stop, get it, get it!!!


    > emoticon

    3362 days ago
    I like jokes - I DON'T like sarcasm. It most always comes with a dig, and being human, not dirt, I DON'T need digging! Glad to hear you've got it together and are booting this guy. You are worth better!!
    3362 days ago
    3362 days ago
  • no profile photo JEANNETTE59
    You are and always will be emoticon
    3363 days ago
    I spent 25 years and had two kids with someone who had so many issues of his own he couldn't love me or even treat me well. We've been apart 10 months and I am happier than I have been in ... well 25 years. You are soooo much smarter than me! I`m finally enjoying my happier place and so glad you are reveling in yours. Your strength, determination and self-knowledge never cease to amaze me.

    3363 days ago
    You go girl!!
    3364 days ago
    Oh no... not Mr. Wonderful!!!!!!! Why'd he hafta go and open his mouth?! Dang it! The prince has been transformed into a toad... and that wasn't how the story was supposed to end. Didn't he get the memo? I CANNOT WAIT for your next blog! I can't wait for someone to convince you to write a book!!! Just tell me where and how can I pre-order a copy of your first book and I'm there! You draw me in EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!!!! You are so wonderfully talented!
    3364 days ago
    i think that you are seeing your life quite clearly.. Mr wonderful he maybe at times.. but you are so worth more than at times. Humor is a good thing, but when it is double edged and makes you uncomfortable, and he will not accept or change because you are uncomfortable, ti is time to go fishing .. there are plenty of fish out in the sea.. you are a beautiful, funny, exciting woman.. you will know teh right one when he comes till then, enjoy the boy toys.. and dont give yourself up to someone who does not deserve you.
    3364 days ago
  • LISAT1773
    Maybe Mr. Wonderful has served his purpose in your life. Just maybe it is time for you to move on. Obviously you don't NEED a man. You have been doing great all by yourself. You are strong, powerful and beautiful! The perfect relationship for you will come your way!
    3365 days ago
    thing about sarcasm is... if they weren't laughing, would their words offend? Often the answer is yes. Sometimes we have to draw a line for our own sanity's sake emoticon
    3365 days ago
    You really gave me some much needed inspiration today. Thank you.
    3366 days ago
    WOW leave for a bit and you go hog wild! Still looking great! Rock this week!
    3366 days ago
    You should start writing for $$$$. This is the best writing is see. Maybe you should follow people around for $$$ and write about them. I bet you could really make a business take off.

    This man? You probably scare him a little, maybe a lot. It's your call viscera in or out. You might be too deep for many and you have too find out if he can swim in deep water. Find an upstate NY hiking path with lots of bears, give it to him straight and see how he takes it. If you don't like the response just have some sow-in-heat urine in a little bottle and dump it on his shoes. He will be in demand very quickly. Make sure you have a GPS on you phone and get the hell out of there.

    U Rock
    3366 days ago
    Congrats to you. I, however, am married to Mr Nasty...and leaving is much harder then; especially after 21 years and being disabled. YOu are so wise to cut if short (like OFF) before anyone gets more badly hurt or - like you said: Wastes precious years.

    Oh, and you also ARE an excellent writer.
    And I think you are a Princess too...in every nice sense of the word and none of the nasty!
    3367 days ago
    first, let me say that your blog is beautiful! your new found confidence is wonderful and empowering.

    in mr. wonderful's defense... it may very well be his personality. i am very very similar... i am the queen of sarcasm and i love to joke and make fun and laugh. i also make fun of my self just as often if not more. many of my friends are the same way, some are not but they understand this sense of humor. i do it to my husband all the time, who i love more than life itself. it is not a reflection of you.

    BUT, if your personality doesn't mesh with sarcastic humor... then you are right to end things. and kudos to you for overcoming your past problems and being able to do so.
    3368 days ago
    I love your blogs :)
    3368 days ago
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