For the last month or so, I haven't been staying up this late.. but I can't sleep. I have alot on my mind. To potentially help me sleep, I thought I'd like blog.. so.. here goes nothing.
Basically, my problem can be condensed down in one thought: I have lost nearly 75 lbs but I still feel insecure and fat.
When I look in the mirror, I see me. I feel like I haven't changed. My shape is the same. I am just smaller.
What has changed are guys paying attention to me. I mean attractive, cute guys that I couldn't even fathom before. Now I think I find them checking me out. And, honestly, it scares me. I don't know how to be confident and flirt. I freeze up.
For most of my life, I have been the ugly one. Not to me.. but to them. I was the girl with speech issues or a little on the chubby side in school. It was not cool to like me. Now I am a nice size 12
and I have all kinds of guys on my hands.
I am sure they are all very nice guys.. but they are not for me. How do I know? I honestly don't think they can understand my insecurities. Can they understand why I don't feel confident? Can they be patient with me when I mess it up when they try to kiss me? You know the awkward silence at the end of the date? I tend to mess that up.. every time!
More importantly, can I trust them? Most of the time in High School, I was ridiculed by the most popular boy. Now, I don't trust popular athletes. More and more, I am finding some are nice but dating wise I want nothing to do with that heart break.
If that wasn't enough, my ex-boyfriend, who I was close friends with, is like putting a move on me. Or it sure feels like it. To me, putting your hand on MY knee is more than friends. Either way, I feel its one big game.. something I don't know if I want anything to do with.
There is a guy that has taught me to laugh again. Seriously, I didn't realize I was so serious and didn't have laughter in my life until about a month ago. According to SHERYLDS, laughter burns calories so just for that reason I will keep him in my life.