I Can't Hear You....
Friday, September 17, 2010
So here I sit at 6:15 in the morning, sipping my coffee and wondering what the heck is going on inside my brain. In spite of saying I "want" to get back on track, I have not, not since well before I went on vacation in late August. I suppose there are many things I can point to, the vacation, school and other activities starting up again, being really busy at work getting ready for the election that was finally held on Tuesday...but really, there is only one place to point my finger: at the woman who stares back at me in the mirror each day.
There is a quote that I love that I have posted in many different places over the past months, but it has generally been aimed at other people for sundry reasons. It goes something like this: I can't hear you, your actions are speaking too loudly. Well, this time, those words can be aimed at no one but myself. Every morning I get up and say "today, I'm going to exercise." Then, I come downstairs and I have my coffee and I start to putter, and there is always SOMETHING that keeps me from goint upstairs in time to do anything before I have to get ready to leave the house for work. But you know, I might be able to say that at least I'm getting stuff done when I do that (I won't but I could). But in the area of eating, well, there is no such statement that can be made. I usually do pretty well all day, but come night time, I eat everything and anything, I gorge myself sometimes..I'm like an animal roaming around, looking to do damage. It was really hard to write that last sentence, in fact I erased it, then I wrote it again..why? Because I have to come face to face with the fact that I might SAY I'm looking to get back on track, but I don't ACT like I do. I do nothing to put myself in a good position to be able to control that night time eating. Not a thing.
So, what to do? Well, right now, I'm channeling Darth Vader: "Luke, search your feelings..." I don't think I have a whole lot of searching to do to figure out the basis...yes, life is stressful, but I think it's even more basic than that: I like to eat, I don't want to have to stop. But you know what? I do have to stop. If any of the millions of words I have written on this topic in my life are to mean anything, I just have to stop. It's hard, but the problems that lie ahead if I do not stop will be harder.
So, I am going to become a Weight Loss Jedi..I am going to use the Force to effectuate positive changes..I am going to resist the urge to go over to the dark side.. Only time will tell if my actions will drown out my words, either positively or negatively. But I do know this: time is ticking, every day that I do not get back on the journey to health is a day that I am abusing my body more, and every body has it's limits. I do not want to be one of those people who waits too long and has irreparable damage done, or worse.
So beyond all that, I have no eureka moment..just one more public promise made to myself to make the very hard choices that healthy living requires..hard, yes, impossible, no.
May the force be with me and with all of us..