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Even though I started my journey alone, I don’t have to end it alone...

Friday, August 20, 2010

It’s been over a year since I’ve posted or written a blog and so much has happened since then. When I posted my last blog I had lost a total of 23 pounds, and today I’m proud to say that I’ve lost 81! I’m out of the 200’s for good and I’m actually almost out of the 180’s now – which is a HUGE accomplishment! I can’t even remember a time when the scale said anything under 200. I started my journey in March 2009 in a size 20 but now…drum roll please! I fit into a 12! I haven’t been in a size 12 since I was a kid - and since middle school I’ve always been a solid 16, fluctuating up and down (when I was with my ex I ballooned up to a 20, yikes!). So, to be in a 12 now is nothing short of amazing to me. And another huge accomplishment is that I am now wearing medium tops! I don’t ever remember being able to wear a medium, the day I tried a medium on in Kohl’s, and realized it fit, I almost cried because I couldn’t believe it.

I can’t even describe how amazing it feels to have lost so much weight. I’ve struggled for so long with it that I let it affect everything about me. I had low self esteem, hardly any self confidence and deep down, I really hated myself. I never dated, I was really shy and reserved and hated to eat in front of people. I hated shopping for clothes and I could never, ever, fit into clothes from my friend’s closets. Through my journey, so far, I have learned so much about myself. I no longer have the self doubt I used to and I love myself for who I am right now. I’m not as shy or reserved and I’m not as funny about eating in front of others. I love shopping because I fit into normal clothes (plus the smaller sizes always seem to be on sale for next to nothing!) and even more I love the fact that I can borrow clothes from friends and they actually fit – I’ve never been able to do that, ever. I care more about myself and love dressing up and creating new looks (which is a lot easier now that I basically have a whole new wardrobe). When I started my journey my ex-boyfriend had just dumped me and I thought ‘who would want be with an ugly, over weight person like me’? Now I understand that my journey isn’t about pleasing others, or making changes to myself that will help me start a family down the road, it’s about me, and my happiness, and my ability to reach every goal I set for myself. My journey is about me.

I have started dating again – I can have a little fun right? And although I’ve only been out with a few guys since my ex, the experiences have made me realize how important my journey here on sparkpeople has been. While I was dating the first guy - J, I found it hard to stay in control of what I ate, as he ate out constantly – a lot like my ex. I was able to continue to lose weight but it was difficult being with someone who encouraged me to cheat and eat what I wanted, instead of what I needed. I have the self control to say no, but it’s still a major test when you’re saying no and someone else is saying ‘go for it’. J said he wanted to be more active but he was overweight himself and could barely keep up with me, I mean even walking at the park was tough for him. I tried not to focus on his weight and bad habits but with everything I’ve gone through and have learned over the past year, there was no way I was going to go backwards. When I realized he wasn’t ready to actually commit to making changes, I ended things. It was hard because he wasn’t a bad guy but in the end it was the right thing to do – for me. I’ve gone out a few times since J and each time it’s been different but a good stepping stone, especially since I’ve never really dated. Being overweight and having such low self esteem most of my life obviously contributed to my lack of dating/attention in middle school, high school and college.

When my ex broke up with me via email, and decided to list everything that was wrong with me, I felt like the whole world was going to collapse on me. It’s been about a year and a half since I read that email for the first time but I can honestly say, that I am actually grateful to my ex for doing what he did. I really believe that I needed that kick in the butt to push me to the point of no return. I thank God every day that he brought my ex into my life, even though, at the time it was the last thing I wanted to experience. That experience put me where I am today, 81 pounds forever gone, happy, healthy, and ready to experience things I’ve only dreamed of! I owe a lot of thanks to sparkpeople because it’s helped me achieve so many things that I never thought I could do and helped me experience so many things I never thought I would. I can walk up 24 flights of stairs non-stop and not feel like I’m going to pass out, this spring I started running and found out I really like it, I can walk over 14 miles in one day, I can do Pilates, I no longer get winded when I walk, my right knee doesn’t kill me when I walk up and down stairs, I can chase my dog Daylin outside and actually enjoy it, I love going to the park and being outside, I’m down to sizes I’ve never been my entire adult life, I barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror, I actually want to go to the beach and I don’t feel embarrassed about how I look in a bathing suit (I earned my new size 12 bathing suit!!), I can walk into a store and not feel embarrassed and ashamed about what size clothes I’m looking at, I can actually shop at the mall in trendy clothing stores and fit into the clothes, and I actually crave exercising.

Everything about my life now is different and it’s hard to remember how I was a year and half ago because I’ve changed so much. Last weekend I made the decision to join a gym. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but had myself convinced that I had to lose the weight on my own. I’ve been plateau-ing for the last few months and I’ve realized that I even though I started my journey alone, I don’t have to end it alone. I not only signed up for the gym, which includes all kinds of cardio machines, weight machines, a sauna, and tons of classes, but I’ve also decided to work with a personal trainer. My reason for deciding to work with a personal trainer is I’ve hit a major plateau that I’m struggling to break through. I workout so hard and watch what I eat but hardly see the results on and off the scale. I’ve lost 81 pounds on my own and have about 40 more to go, I need to do a lot of toning and I really struggle in that area. I meet with Ralph (my trainer) for the first time on Monday and I’m so excited and nervous. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m doing something just for me, something that’s going to help me, once and for close this chapter of my life, and start a new one.

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-Cassie
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MSWEBB8046
    BTW-I'm totally here for you til the end!
    3752 days ago
  • MSWEBB8046
    Cassie...First off! You have done GREAT!!! Second...it sounds like your ex missed out on a lot. You sound like an amazing person. Third...you are so right this journey is about you and making yourself happy and I'm so glad that you have do so. Keep up the great work. You are an inspiring, beautiful, amazing lady. YOU CAN AND WILL DO IT!
    3752 days ago
  • HONORINGGOD
    emoticon emoticon job on your loss.your worth it emoticon
    3753 days ago
  • BILLALEX70
    Cassie,

    You've done an amazing job and I'm proud to call you a SP friend.

    Any guy who breaks-up through and email, and list what HE thinks is wrong with you, is a total piece of $h!t. You deserve better and I'm sure that you'll find someone special that appreciates you.

    Best wishes always,
    Bill
    3753 days ago
  • CAG931
    Great Job! I was with a personal trainer a few years ago and it was awesome especially when you have a trainer you can click with. Good luck and let us all know how your doing. Oh and secondly it's awesome to see how you dealt with your emotions that is a very being part of weight loss in my opinion.
    3755 days ago
  • JANEXA
    Dear Cassie:

    Thank you for posting this wonderfully inspiring blog. Reading it brought happy tears of joy for you and for anyone (me included) who reads it. My background is a little different from yours, but close enough that I can relate to most of the things and people you encountered on your journey. I don't know you, but reading your blog made me feel so proud of you and excited about all the new possibilities and opportunities in your life.

    May you continue to recognize and appreciate all your successes and accomplishments in your life, and may you always feel great about yourself because you definitely worked hard to get to this point in your journey. Sometimes it takes great sorrow in life to truly feel and experience the joys of life.

    You ARE a beautiful, strong, powerful, and successful woman! Enjoy!

    Hugs,
    Janet
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    3755 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.