Hello all...I'm back. Did you miss me? I bet you did because despite all my misgivings and chaotic issues, I know you love me...
Okay, enough of the baloney.
Well to say I've been out of sorts in the past 12 months would be an understatement, I suppose. And I don't just mean not blogging on here for all my peeps, but also just in general - in dealing with life.
The list of what I've done right with regards to losing weight is too short; while the list of what I've done wrong is, well...you get the picture. As of today, I'm down 21.5 pounds since December. Not great but hey, it's not a gain, right?
What I have done right is seek some help. Unfortunately, when it comes back around to it, it remains in my hands to do what needs to be done. It's a simple thing, really, but something I've yet to grasp, despite all my experiences, embarrassments and what have you when dealing with my weight. But I digress...
Now what I'm doing wrong...oh vay...where do we start?
I'm all over the map. Sometimes I'm good for a meal or two, sometimes I'm bad - but I always feel bad for being bad. Over all though in the past year, I've gotten much better at eating better, though not very consistent with a schedule.
What person in their right mind would want to be like this? So maybe I'm not so "right" in the mind. I've been diagnosed with a moderate to severe form of depression - having not dealt much with the collapse of my marriage and the stresses of life in general - money, living alone with no family out here, stress at work, but mostly my health and my weight issues. All or some of which also contribute to poor health as well.
So the usual suspects...not eating breakfast or not enough, skipping lunch or making a poor quicker choice, and eating too much for dinner (not enough veggies or something "easy"). And not enough exercise. I don't do well in the heat at all so exercising in it - forgetaboutit.
And I've been tired for a while now. I could sleep for 9-10 hours and still be tired. So thinking about coming home after working all day, even though I sit at a desk all day, and trying to exercise - no way - I feel exhausted.
So the struggle is to make these changes in order that they last. I haven't figured it out yet but I'm also not giving up trying.
A friend and I were discussing weight loss and the negativity I feel about myself - always putting myself down. My fitness instructor has scolded me for doing so and I've been trying to avoid doing it, but it's become automatic now after all this time. "Hurt yourself before someone can hurt you" has always been my motto. And while people find me funny, I use humor often to hide how I really feel. I don't need a psychotherapist to tell me that, but I've never stopped much to really analyze it or try to understand it. Because I know I do use humor as a way to compensate - sometimes so people will like me and not judge me on how big I am, but also to suppress my feelings about myself.
So this friend (thank you, Kim) said, "And there are a whole bunch of other things you should be proud of too: your integrity, your sense of humor, your patience,your kind-heartedness, just to name the first few things that come to mind when I think of you."
That felt good and I truly appreciated her words - more than I can say. Because it's not something that happens very often - that someone tells you what they really like about you. Sure people say, "you're great", "I really like you" and such but I didn't realize how much I was looking for that extra pat on the back until Kim said those words to me.
One of my fitness person's suggestions to me is that I need to be selfish - I need to think about myself and what am I going to do to help myself because I'm worth every effort I put in, and then some.
Being the ever-loving glass is half empty, pessimistic enigma, this is a TALL order. But I'm hoping this is a start.
And you don't know it yet, but you'll soon realize how much you've missed me and my wacki-butt humor (that's HUMOUR for my Canadian folks!) and be begging me to entertain you with my tales of woe. If anything to make your life seem a heck of a lot better. LOL!