Working through life's issues!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I’ve reached yet another discovery in my journey. I’m afraid to be happy. It sounds ridiculous at first, even to me. I’ve realized just how true it is though. I use to be so very happy with every part of my life. I loved my family, friends, church, and just my life in general. I was at a healthy weight then too. That was when my mom passed away and everything that I listed above slowly started drifting out of my life. My family changed drastically, most of my friends then aren’t even people that I speak to now, and I don’t have a home church anymore. I read an article tonight about emotional eating by Dr. Doreen Virtue. It said, “Second, people with low self-esteem often feel that they don't deserve happiness or success. So, as soon as aspects of their lives -- such as weight loss -- start to turn out right, they unconsciously start to sabotage their own success. Happiness, if you've never had much of it, can seem scary because of its novelty. Even though it seems illogical to wish unhappiness on yourself, some people are uncomfortable with anything but morose, depressing days. They almost need a problem or crisis in their life to give them a sense of purpose.” It was shocking how much I could relate to this. I’m scared that if I’m happy again, everything will fall apart. Every time I begin to lose weight, I subconsciously ruin it. I know I am worth the happiness, but it’s so hard to let myself be happy. My health and weight is one thing that I can control, so I’m the one keeping myself from being happy this time. I’m going to keep going and keep working until I finally see some results this time!