Giving Up - W9.D3
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Yes, yesterday I considered giving up...but giving up what, really? Hope?
Weigh-In Day (Sunday)
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 416.2
Last Week: 388.6
Goal This Week: 386.6
Weight Lost This Week: 2.6
Total Weight Lost with SP: 30.2
Total Weight Lost overall: 80.6
Let me explain. Yes, I lost 2.6 pounds this week...IF you take the weight from when I weighed in on Sunday following the drive back from camp. I normally wait until morning so I can weigh first thing, so I intended on seeing a little more gone on Monday morning (after all, don't most of us weigh more mid-day?). I woke up Monday morning excited, only to step on the scale and see 389, then 387.6 (which stuck...sometimes my scale is silly). If I take this number, I only lost 1 stupid pound this week. After all the pain and hard work...1 pound?
So, yes...I expected more from this weekend. And so I spent much of yesterday crying over how I'd never be thin, or even healthy or even just overweight. I cried about how much easier it seems to be for everyone else. I cried for the life I want but don't have. I cried because I was in pain, but I was still expected (by myself, no less) to workout. I cried because I didn't understand (or really, I did, but couldn't go back and change it) why I only lost one pound when I had worked myself so hard, done things most people my weight would never attempt, etc. I cried for a long time and I thought about giving up. But I didn't know what I could give up. Because eating tons of sugar again is not really something my body wants. Every now and again, sure, but not all the time like it used to. And eating fatty foods make me ill. And not getting enough fruits and veggies makes me grumpy. And not working out makes me feel like a loser. So the only thing I considered giving up was trying, hoping, dreaming that things could be different.
But I know what went wrong....I think. Hubs and I sat down and seriously discussed it. And between his theory of dense muscle building in my legs and his assurances that my legs looked thinner, and my theory that I just did not eat enough and my body went into survival mode. I know what I could've done differently. But I also know that it's not important.
You see, I've done it again - I've diminished my accomplishments in order to allow my mind to float into agreement with those around me. I admitted to Hubs that the part I remembered most about the entire trip was the look on two young, fit guys' faces while they waited for me to climb down some stairs. It was the look of impatience and annoyance. Frustration that this "fat broad" was holding up their adventure. And instead of seeing this as a mark of their disrespect and lack of consideration, I saw it as a lack of my difficiencies...again. I let them influence my thoughts of myself and I let their voices take over my own. I called myself fat and told myself that I was in the way. I told myself that I should just stay home where I wouldn't annoy these people. I noticed on the hike that no matter how worn out I was, whenever someone walked by I picked up the pace and acted like I was fine. Why? Well, because I didn't want them to think that I was weak or unable to do this.
There is a high level of frustration in me right now because I realized that no matter how much I do, people who don't know me will take one look at me and think, "Look at her! She can't even hardly walk because she's fat!" They won't for one second think, "Wow! She must have been walking for a long time!" or "She must've had a rough weekend." Any stumble or limp that I might show will not illicit the same responses they would if I were skinny. In fact, they're likely to no illicit any responses, in fear of offending me. They will assume it is because of my weight and pass by thinking that of me. If I were skinny and suddenly walking with a limp, they would show some interest or concern and ask what happened, perhaps. But not the fat girl. Sometimes I let this frustration with misinterpretation of me and my situation weigh me down...until I remember to tell myself one simple thing. You're just not that special.
That may sound awful, but it's true. I'm not that special to complete strangers that they will spend so much time thinking about me. Many have troubles and struggles of their own and might not even notice me. There is nothing exceedingly important or special about me to make them take notice and wonder anything about me or my life. And just because I may be a "make up a story for a stranger" type of person, I need to realize that others are not like that. In truth, I don't take up that large of a portion of their thoughts unless I know them or they know me. And those that really know me, will know better and will show concern or interest and ask what happened.
As for what happened? I'm pretty sure it has to do with not eating enough and not eating the right foods. I ate what was there. I ate until I was full without considering calorie counts. And, especially Saturday - the day of the big hike, I ate what I needed to allow others to have what they needed. I fed the dog nearly half my sandwich because he needed to eat as well...and it was my job to care for him. That was what was important in that moment. I was not exceedingly hungry, but I could have used better fuel. And I could sit here and wish I would have done this or that, or I can focus on what I did do.
A 389 pound woman hiked through Old Man's Cave and the Hocking Hills area for 5 and a half hours. She didn't give up, even when she could, even though she seriously considered it and even voiced that opinion many times. She may have cried in desperation, but she completed the task and did not force her family members to take care of her. She carried the bookbag containing the snacks/lunch, and carried the map, and led the way many times (even though she probably shouldn't have), and sometimes carried the gallon water jug. She took care of her family and made sure they were safe. She took pictures of them so that they could share with their children and grandchildren the story of the 5.5 hour hike through Hocking Hills.
I gave myself a night to enjoy something I haven't done in so long. We got Chinese takeout and movies and had a family night in front of the TV. And I didn't let myself think about what I wasn't doing. I didn't log anything or make myself sick with "what would they think" thoughts. Instead, I let myself be me...because no matter what size I am, I will always need to be me from time to time. Having a Chinese Movie Night or even a Pizza Movie Night every once in a while is not a bad thing...it is something we all enjoy. We giggle and enjoy ourselves. We spend time together as a family. I won't give that up for anything. I just can't do it every day...or even once a week. Maybe once a month or once every other month will make me feel like I'm still me.
So I'm not giving in or giving up. I gave myself the night off, yes, but now I'm back on the horse and ready to ride this out for a while again. I know this is hard, I've been through this before. And I know how frustrating each week can seem, until the day you turn around and realize how much you've really done. No, 30 pounds isn't much considering how much I still have to lose, and losing another 20 pounds will only put me back where I should already be in the downward path, but I'm working harder than I ever have and I'm going to have a fit and lean body...which should make this road a lot easier to walk down this time. I lost a pound (in fact, if you go by today I gained one *lol* Silly sodium..it's no joke people!!). Good. Now what? Another pound to get rid of. (Oh, and I've been thinking about rewarding myself with a tattoo after I get back down to 366.6 - the first century mark. Still considering but it's sounding better and better every day!)
Weigh-in goal for next week: 385
I just want it to be lower than any number I saw this week! *lol*