I fell apart last night. Honestly, I did. I threw a temper tantrum in my kitchen while I prepared Ranch Cheddar Burgers (which everyone loved - even Ethan who snubbed his nose at them when he saw the green onion, but went back for a second one after the first one was inhaled. You can find the recipe at SparkRecipes - I'd only suggest reducing the amount of dry ranch dressing mix to maybe half an envelope...it was a little overkill for my taste).
"I have to do everything around here!"
"You sit around doing nothing all day and get paid more than me!"
"I'm at some worthless desk job that I hate where there's drama all day and I drive an hour to get there and an hour back when I really would rather be at home weeding the garden or walking or going swimming, or even sleeping for those two hours!"
"And I went to college for nothing...you know that? I did everything right. I did what I was supposed to. I worked full-time and I went to school full-time, and I worked for the paper - which I hate most days, but I do it because it's a writing gig and is supposed to make my resume look better."
"And I get paid pennies for the work I do. And I hate it. I just hate it."
"I got every honor I could have gotten in college. Summa Cum Laude, top in my class. Seriously - what more could I have done! I was the friggin' president of TWO honor societies, for crying out loud!"
"And I maintained a 4.0 for three years! THREE YEARS of busting my butt and not getting enough sleep and feeling like I was going to fall apart...for what?"
"Oh, I know...so I can sit at the same desk I was at before and do the same meaningless work I did before. And be everyone's B($ at work! Now they've got me working in another department where I've added a ton more work and training and two more bosses, basically."
"How much is one person supposed to take on without getting a raise? Oh, but I forgot - I'm just a stupid state government employee who does nothing and the stupid taxpayers in this po-dunk state have decided that we don't NEED raises, because...you know, we don't even really DO anything."
"Maybe the rest of the people don't do anything - but I do stuff! I'm constantly doing stuff! I'm stretched to the max working in 3 different departments and trying to wear 40 different hats...but the taxpayers decide that I'm not even worth a teachers salary. At least they get the summers off!"
"Don't I deserve more than this? Who decided that this is all I'm worth? Why did they get to decide? I put in resume after resume and nothing. No calls. No emails. NOTHING. I spend hours looking for work - and there are plenty of postings in the publishing field right now, let me tell you - but apparently I'm not good enough for them. Why not? Why can't I ever be good enough for something worthwhile?"
"What am I good for? I wasn't good enough for grad school...now I'm not good enough for a job in any field remotely related to what I want to do with my life? Why did I go through three years of hell if I wasn't good enough for anything?"
It went on like that for about 20 minutes or so. Sobbing and slamming patties together to stick on the grill. (I'm a great multitasker.) But then, just as suddenly as it had begun, it was over.
Now I have no idea what is going on. I know I'm stressing right now over work (duh! that's obvious) and the fact that hubby is doing something for himself on the internet and making more money than me most days...and I just got my check where they took out like 1/3 of it for taxes and insurance...which he doesn't have to pay. I've been working toward one singular goal for so long and nothing has turned out like it was supposed to. And now I'm just stagnant. And I *hate* being stagnant. Before this job I didn't stay anywhere longer than 8 months because I couldn't take the stagnant feeling of it. I've been where I am now for nearly 4 years and I'm done. I was done years ago, but I held onto it because they let me go to school and I thought that would mean something some day. But now I'm here twiddling my thumbs and wondering whether it was all worth it or not.
I am SO hoping that outburst was due to the injection of hormones I was given on Friday (Depo shot), but if not I'm not sure what to do. I'm doing what I can to find a job - and having a husband who isn't really "working" and two kids to support, I can't do what I want to do and just pack up and leave. So I'm in limbo. Stagnant.
All this made it very hard to get out of bed this morning. I haven't done anything I should be doing yet. I didn't get my walk in yet, either - which irks me. All I really wanted to do was to wake up somewhere else - NYC maybe ...to put on my gear and take a early morning walk in Central Park before showering, jumping on the subway and heading to my office in a really tall and shiny building, busting my butt all day - ordering in for lunch from a terrific deli that is probably just right across the street - and then walking the many blocks home to get some extra exercise in. At home I would cook a fabulous healthy dinner, feed my family, and then catch up on some emails or something until it was time for bed. Instead, I woke up in my fake panelled room with the sound of rain and gloom outside, fog rolling in making it hard to catch your breath, laundry half done, a toilet that doesn't like to flush, and countless other annoyances. It will get better...or it won't. I just wish I knew where my hole was right now...