It Was Bound to Happen, Sooner or Later - W2.D4
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Last night I freaked out. I went "crazy naggy crabby wife" on my husband and he just stood there staring at me. All the positivity buildup from the past two weeks was gone and I was ready to let out my former b*tch to play once more. As word vomit spewed from my mouth I tried to interject little apologies, but they weren't making it very far and didn't sound very sincere.
All of this happened over the stupidest thing - dinner. This week has gone pretty well so far - I had meals planned for Sunday and made enough for leftovers Monday and Tuesday for lunch (and even Monday's dinner was leftover stir fry). So Tuesday rolls around and I think, "Well, I'm out of ideas...it's hubby's turn to make something now!" Unfortunately, I kinda forgot to communicate this information/expectation to my husband. (Who, though I love him with every bit of me, doesn't know how to work at full-speed Esther mode.)
On the drive back to the house I decided I wanted to walk, because I've signed up for the 100 Consecutive Days workout challenge, and I already had 4 days consecutive to build upon. I got home while the sun was still out and went in the house to ask hubby and the kids if they wanted to join me on my walk. All agreed and we piled ourselves and the dog into the car and headed down to the kids' school (where, coincidentally, my boys had just won medals for walking so many miles around the track and, therefore, they knew that 6 laps = 1 mile). Hubby started walking with me, but then wanted to play basketball with the boys. I walked the dog around another 2 laps before joining in on the game. (Which means I worked out for 20 minutes last night, 10 mintues longer than I had my goal set for a "non-workout night"!)
We get back home and I turn to hubby and say, "So...what are you cooking for dinner?" He looked confused and said he wasn't making anything and figured he'd just grab something from the fridge for himself. And that's when all hell broke loose. I'm ashamed to say it...but I went a little nutty in that moment. I had no idea what to fix (and I distinctly remembered at the grocery store on Friday that he had picked out 3 meals to make and I picked 2, and I had already done my 2 and he'd only done 1 - so didn't he have 2 more planned?) and I went tearing through the kitchen cursing at each and every box saying, "I need to hit my goals today! I can't lose all this progress today! I have to eat a bunch of calories and some carbs and not a lot of fat and I can't find ANYTHING in here that I can make that will work with that and what am I going to do?!" (I took a breath after that, because...well, I obviously needed it after that. - makes me wonder how much energy I spend in these moments...do they have b*tching on the fitness tracker?)
So, yes, I had a minor freakout moment when I found that the hamburgers my husband had bought really weren't that bad, and I, logically, could fit them in my nutrition plans. And as I added cheese and ketchup and mayo and a bun, with each addition I felt more guilty. THIS WAS NOT HEALTHY FOOD! I thought my heart was going to break as I took bites reminding myself "I need to get my calories in" and then cursing at myself for not planning a better dinner. (All the chicken breast was frozen...and stuck to the aluminum foil because hubby packed it wrong...and I had no clue what to do with it in that state!)
I begrudgingly posted everything on my nutrition tracker and saw that I was within my limits, but I still felt in a sour mood like I had failed. Why do we continually talk about failure? It took a 20 minute self-pep-talk to remind myself that I was within my goals, that I had worked out on a non-scheduled night, that I had been good otherwise throughout the day, and that one cheeseburger was better than the two I would've eaten 3 weeks ago (and would have probably served alongside some chips with an ice cream chaser). It took me talking myself down from the ledge to be able to settle my inner monster, who kept laughing in my face and telling me I was a Loser (note the capital L).
I have come to realize that I was exhausted yesterday. I stayed up the night before writing an article in order to submit it to my class on time. I think I stayed up the night before that as well. And probably the night before that too. So, I guess what I REALLY needed to plan better was my sleeping arrangements (which I will try to work on , but probably won't change much until I finish school --- just 2.5 weeks left!).
Today is better. Today I will get some work done and feel like a productive member of my work community. Today I will finish some homework I've been avoiding and let myself off the hook for not finishing it Sunday (in order to go hang out and work out with my boys...because that time was precious to me!). Today I will smile and laugh and remind myself that everyone has days like these and remind myself that I am strong, brave, and hard-working. Today I will remind myself that I am a beautiful, wonderful, independent, compassionate, and loving woman. Today I will both forgive and love myself.