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Tough Love - I Has It

Monday, March 08, 2010

I think for most of my adult life (all 10 or so years of it), I was too easy on myself. Everything was "good enough". My work was good enough, my looks were good enough, my health was good enough. Basically I was complacent.

When I see this site giving advice like "don't deny yourself, enjoy in moderation" and things like that, I figure it's great advice for most people. I am not most people. I need to get angry at myself (technically, angry at the shell of crap I've built around myself). I need to be tough with myself. It's not like I'm particularly addicted to any food (unless you count meat). It's not like if I go without sourdough bread or pizza I'll be obsessing over it, craving it, etc. for the rest of the day.

I can afford to be tough with myself, and I pretty much have to. The little indulgences I have are with things I know I won't overdo. I can easily stop at one cookie. For the entire week. I had my few bites of banana nut muffin yesterday, so I'm good on sweets the rest of the week.

But I know myself well enough to know that if I make it a habit of indulging, of having those little occasional treats like chips and white bread, if I don't get annoyed or pissed at myself for not being prepared, for being "forced" to eat something not on my list, then I'll backslide. I have to be very aware of my transgressions, or I'll start thinking that I'm eating "good enough".

If I get used to the days when I'm forced to rest, soon my workouts will dwindle until I'm back to "healthy enough".

Toughness is the way I was raised. Be hard on myself. Get angry at myself. Get really pissed off when I know I can do better, when it's EASY to do better and I was just being lazy. I don't achieve anything when I'm nice and permissive.

I don't let my mistakes get me down, but I also turn right around and fix them, tell myself I'm better than this. I am better than this, and it pisses me off when I start embracing my complacent blob mindset again.

While I've stopped calling myself stupid, useless, etc., I still tell myself, "What was THAT? You can do better! Stop slacking!"

Luckily I have a giant ego underneath the layers of low self-esteem. Seriously, it's friggin huge. My giant ego was quite upset at being trapped in that, and started beating my self-esteem issues into submission. Maybe it'll get to my social issues after it's done with the physical ones.

Tough love FTW.
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