Changing Times and a HUGE Realization.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
I've been on sparkpeople for 2 years this week. And I don't feel like I have much to show for it. I haven't put any real effort into it. I get bummed when I don't lose and when I over eat.
I'm a food sneaker. I never realized that was what I was really doing. When I eat fast food, and I'm not with Nick, I pull up to the apartment and throw the trash in the dumpster so he won't know I ate it. It's the same with my mom. If I eat fast food in my car on the way to her house I'll get out of the car and brush off and stand for a bit to make the smell go away. Wow... This is like a huge wow moment for me. I hadn't really realized this until I wrote it down.
I think I know a few reasons I've been doing it in these situations. The stuff with Nick started as me feeling bad for getting fast food when we are so low on money, but then it turned to feelings of guilt linked to the food. The other thing is when I've had fast food and don't tell him and he then wants to eat, I'll eat another meal! This is horrible.
With my mom it comes from the fact that when I have fast food she gives me the disapproving stare and tells me it's bad for me. Like I don't know that! Which then just makes me feel ashamed of myself and makes the cycle worse. I can't believe I've been doing this. I have to stop feeling guilty for eating. Yes, fast food isn't the best choice, but it isn't the end of the world. I'm going to have a talk with Nick now and come clean. I don't want to keep doing this.
I've finally realized that just because I eat something horrible doesn't mean I should quit or not log it. I feel guilty for eating something bad and I don't want to log it and let people see. This time around I think is different. I've logged my bad food choices. I put the McDonalds and the Sonic I had on my food log! Wow maybe this is a change...