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Ashamed of My Humor

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Sometimes I get all cowboy and full of myself. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I usually find myself feeling like I just got sent out to arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic. Does that make any sense? I'm sure it doesn't.

Inside, I don't have many good days. More have come lately, but not that many. A few. And so when I have a few good days in a row, something seems to happen. It's my own version of pointing the bazooka at my own head and BOOM...I did it. Headless.

The result is that my planet seems to go like Mercury...all ugly and everything.

Today, in my mode to self sabotage, someone very close to me got bitten by my humor. I actually did think I was being funny and then they went all silent and I thought...there it is..I did it again.

My first thing is to try to tell them that's not what I meant. True. it wasn't. But why then, did I say it? Because in my head, I had those words and they just needed to fly out? I don't think so. Maybe because I just think I'm so smart and cute? Not exactly. Because I'm not the kind of person who can close his own mouth? Yep. That's the ticket.

Today I feel ashamed about my humor and later, when I try to make it better, and well...the damage is done, I wonder why I tried neatly arranging those deck chairs. What a dumb ass.

Mostly, I think..it has to do with me not realizing the power of my words. Intended or not, they can carry quite the punch. Like the battle between Rosy and Ellen, my words often confuse me as to who is who and what is what. That's when I need to stop covering with humor and shut up. Can't joke my way out of uncomfortable. Can't. Shouldn't. Don't need to.

I know I've been away from SP and my blog for a bit and that in itself isn't a good thing. Sorry for a downer. But I promised you all the truth.

Today..I'm ashamed of my humor.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JKSTEIN123
    I too have diarrhea of the mouth. After a while you have to have a 3 second rule. Stop for that amount of time before it falls out of your mouth and think if it is really what you want to say.

    We all have a tendency to self sabotage, we never let ourselves really be happy until you move through the pain.

    We all are worth being a friend, we just have to believe it for yourself first.

    I agree with sorgin. Maybe may copies of your blog and pass them out when you say something totally wrong. Just admit your a dunce and move on.

    4226 days ago
  • FREDI59
    I can so relate to that - I have done it again and again ...
    I believe it all comes down to the question: what is the driving force behind our "being funny"? I have discovered that the more I am driven by a (desperate?) need for attention, the more out-of-line or hurtful my "humor" becomes - on the other hand, again and again people have told me how very helpful some of my spontaneous remarks can be - so "biting you tongue" is not the answer - you would eliminate the good with he bad, the REALLY BAD would probably still make it through the filter anyway.
    I have found that I will never be able to permanently fix my tendency to self-sabotage with will power and discipline - only self-discovery and self-awareness will do - and the deep rooted trust that God loves me, no matter how screwed up I sometimes can be.
    4232 days ago
    You know, even when you're down, it's a pleasure to read what you have to say. Apologize and move on. And please stay here, be more visible.
    4232 days ago
    Just apologize. I too have frequently opened mouth and inserted foot. Almost as soon as its out I realize how dumb it was. A sincere, humble apology fixes most things though.

    Good to see you - no need to always be funny - just be yourself.

    4238 days ago
  • SMILES4383
    Arranging deck chairs is a good thing!

    It uses up energy
    -- thus burning calories. emoticon

    It gives one time to think
    -- I have great conversations in my head emoticon

    It reminds you that not everyone is willing to do that job
    -- once again realizing that it is often
    ----- 'happy alone in my own little world' emoticon

    It gives opportunity for fresh air
    -- to blow out the cobwebs. emoticon

    Hope the rest of your day goes very, very well. emoticon

    emoticon Terri
    4239 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/11/2009 8:24:03 AM
    Totally suffer from in my brain out my mouthittis !!!!! or diarrhea of the mouth, whatever you choose to call it ;-) don't be so hard on yourself, you are human like the rest of us =) So glad your back =) =) =) emoticon
    4239 days ago
    You are now learning the first few lessons of losing weight. It is so easy to put on the good face and act happy and humourous when you are medicating yourself with food. Now that you are not doing that as much, you are probably feeling a bit more irritable and the mask is slipping. When you have been acting a part for most of your life and you change the way the stage faces you are bound to fall off the edge every now and again do some reflection on who you are and who you want to be and remember you have come off the medication and this does change you and you don't have as much tolerance for others. It will get better you are going through withdrawal a lot of us have been there. emoticon emoticon
    4239 days ago
    You guys are all so cool!
    4239 days ago
    I just met you and I'm glad you are back..... loved your post. Sherry
    4239 days ago
    Here's the thing: is the person still thinking about what you said? Maybe. But chances are he/she has long forgotten about it while you continue to beat yourself with it. The words likely to cause the most harm are the ones you say to yourself. If it's still bothering you, show him/her your blog. It is so very sincere and goes a long way toward trying to reconcile your true nature with your cowboy one. They're both human, you know.

    Humor is a mask; some people see right through it. Those are the ones who care the most (and who sometimes go all silent).
    4239 days ago
    Welcome back. You aren't the only one who does this... I'm guilty as well. It sucks to be misunderstood, sucks more to be completely understood when you think you're masking your true feelings with humor, huh? Apologize and move on. Sometimes the apology is far more powerful than the explanation.

    And welcome to the human race! At least you're becoming more aware of this behavior and how it not only impacts others but yourself as well. That's the first step to change. Get off the pity pot and do it differently next time!
    4239 days ago
    As with all the others, I'm glad you're back. Nobody said all blogs needed to be witty and upbeat--we can't be that way all the time. The nice thing about blogging on SP is that we're all here for the good AND the bad (and sometimes the ugly!). I will always struggle with thinking before I open my mouth. I grew up in a house where you belted out whatever came to your mind no matter who it hurt. It has taken me a long time and many hours of hurt and apologies for me to have even a little bit of self control when it comes to my tongue. I am still learning and growing in this area and you will too. It takes time, patience and a lot of reflection on yourself and cleaning out the cobwebs of your heart and soul (stuff that is very difficult and not very fun)to do better. You have started that process and you will succeed--just keep at it. You know you have a lot of people here who are willing to help you keep on the right track just be sure you are committed to changing you for the better and then the number of people you hurt (albeit inadvertently) will exponentially go down. Hang in!
    4240 days ago
    Glad you are back!
    omg. been there done that..........open mouth insert whole leg! lmao It happens to the best of us!
    I say BE yourself..... emoticon
    4240 days ago
    I've missed you - I am glad you are back.

    Your blog reminds me of that old story about the father who had a son with a terrible temper problem. He told him to take a hammer and nails and every time he lost his temper, to put a nail in the fence. After some time, the son told the father that he had gone an entire day without losing his temper. So the father told him to take a nail out of the fence every day that he did not lose his temper. When eventually all the nails had been removed, the father took the son over to the fence and pointed out the holes. Even though the nails had been removed, damage remained. Just like the nails, our words can hurt others and leave damage.

    We know and you know that you meant no harm. Sometimes the steps in our journeys are rocky - I wish for you a smoother path and joy in your travels.


    4240 days ago
    What you described is like that moment in the Jane Austen novel _Emma_ when the title character delivers an unkind verbal blow to a family friend.

    It's a turning point in the novel, when she starts to realize the things that you mentioned, that you have to be careful of words, that they can't be unsaid.

    She learns. You will too, as will all of us, because we all do it to some extent.
    4240 days ago
    Welcome to humanity. It's OK. One of the things that helped me most was a simple sentence I heard in a leadership class I took.

    "Everybody is somebody's jerk some time."

    I know there are times when I don't think before speaking. I know that the potential for hurting others is there. Just as I work to forgive others, I have to work to forgive myself. Part of doing this is making amends, and putting forth an effort to do better "next time", and remembering my responsibility is only for my side of the street. Can't control the others response, only my own efforts.

    Just like riding a bicycle, there are many falls in learning to balance.

    4240 days ago
    Stuff happens. I'm sure you went the route of apologies, but you also have to forgive yourself and let it go, otherwise it will eat you up inside and you're stuck playing the scenario over and over again in your head.

    Time to close this chapter and move onto the next! How positive a chapter this next one will be is completely up to you!
    4240 days ago
    ok so you goofed. Enough beating up on yourself. Apologize and move on. I know i can analyze things to death. and make them WORSE when i do.
    Move on..and as my mom would say.."think before you speak". and let it go--thats the hardest part. let it go.
    i dont know many people that hold a grudge after a heartfelt apology....
    4240 days ago
    Hooray, you are blogging again!

    I can divide my humour in three kinds

    1. Just funny, enjoying life
    2. Self irony
    3. Making fun of others (Stand on somebody else and you will be taller...)

    I have learned that number three comes when I hate myself - so it´s a goode sign for thinking over what I have to change to feel better about my life.

    Keep coming beck, Ineed your help!
    4240 days ago
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