In the Wake of Yesterday
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I think that's a song title, is it not? I found it difficult to post my last blog entry. I trusted that I wouldn't be frowned upon, but I was. It makes me sad when people who have never had to face major issues and have a steady weight make others feel like they just make excuses for the way they are. I was taught to not make excuses. The fact is that what I deal with are truths that are interwoven into my cells. They are real, honest-to-goodness struggles I face on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. It is that struggle and that constant overcoming of my mental obstacles that keep them from becoming excuses. Excuses are something that STOP you full force. I don't stop, I keep trudging along and walking over my excuses. I put on my gym shoes or my bathing suit and I run or swim past those excuses every single chance I get! It is my inner dialogue that I have to face at every corner that seem to stop me. I try to ignore it and change the dialogue, but it can be rather hard to do sometimes. I'm only human. Some people have more frightening inner dialogue than others. But the fact of the matter is, we all have it. Some have to fight harder than others to drown out the negative things you hear in your head. "You will never be thin!" or "You think that going to the gym only 3 days this week is even going to help you at all!?!?!" Here are some I deal with everyday: "No one likes you! You are too fat and people don't want fat friends!" "You are not good enough for happiness!" "It is impossible to eat perfectly healthy every single day" "You aren't one of the lucky ones who don't gain a lot of weight and you never will be, so you might as well just be fat and live with it!"
Fat people, or at least those who have always been fat have a harder time with their inner dialogue. I think because our inner dialogue was formed by not only what we tell ourselves, but what OTHERS have told us too! Like the bully in school who had to say something about your blubber EVERY time they saw you at school. Or the teacher who agreed and suggested losing some weight so that you won't be teased anymore. It could be the dialogue fed to you by well-meaning family, maybe even your mother or father. It could have been friends who were smaller than you and not wanting to be rude wouldn't let you borrow their clothes in fear you might stretch them out. Us fat people know that most of what has been fed to us isn't true and that we are good people. It doesn't change the fact that things have indeed been said to us, well-meaning or ill-meaning. As far as I know there is no such thing as a brain-eraser to just instantly "poof" all those things away. It can be accomplished - getting all that out - letting it all go - and has many times. All I'm saying is that it is a lot more difficult to change. It is...period. And if you disagree, you don't know what you are talking about at all and you've probably have never been teased or suggested to lose weight from a well-meaning friend or family member. You can overcome it and I try to every single day. It can be, and it has been done by many successful people. I am trying my damnedest to be one of them!
It is really difficult for me to see those who "struggle" with a "weight problem" of only 20 or so pounds. I know it stems from wishing I was that way. It doesn't make it easier when I see people who complain about "these 10 pounds just won't budge", especially when their original weight "problem" started at a weight that is My ideal weight. When I look at some pages, I try to just think that they are so great for wanting to be healthy. But other times I look at some of the SP pages and see a person who is 145 pounds (my ideal weight) trying to lose 25 pounds. They look great, but I guess they want to look like the starving celebrities and the retouched pictures they see in magazines. I like to try and use smaller people as inspiration, but all it does is make me want to shrink into a corner and dream that my only problem is losing 20 pounds. I'm looking at almost 100 freakin' pounds to be 145 pounds. To pick up something that weighs 100 pounds is excruciating knowing that is the EXTRA weight I carry on my 5'6" frame. I am happy for people who don't have to worry like I do, I truly am, when they realize they could have it a lot worse! It's the people who complain about their bodies and "struggle" with a few pounds and then judge others because they weren't that lucky in the metabolism department that really chap my hide!