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I Just Wanna Riff About Connection

Monday, October 05, 2009

As part of my journey, God has put an old friend back in my life, my Hot Mad Lesbian who we will call L for this episode. L and I drifted apart six or seven years ago. That's a long time to let go by.

We've connected for a quick evening of a few drinks with friends and on the phone a bit, but yesterday after a work thing, we met in San Francisco and began our healing over the 49ers winning. It was very cool to fall into our usual talk, as she is the sports fan and I am well...not an NFL fan.

But the talk for both of us was important life stuff. Both of us struggling with issues deep and potentially life threatening if we do not deal with them. So the talk quickly turned to serious things and I was excited and welcomed being able to share with a good friend who seems to understand me and who I don't feel like lying to...at least not anymore.

Issue number one came for me in our choice of a place for dinner. L had suggested a Churrascaria in San Fran called Espetus. In a city of good restaurants, this is a good one.

And the fare at a Brazilian Steakhouse is easy...Meat. Served table side and carved from Skewers it is a great way to be a carnivore. And for me a great way to be a giant glutton.

But, I was able to eat just right here and so Issue #1 became a non issue. Meat at around 8-10 oz, because I asked the carvers to go easy. Pass on the bacon wrapped chicken and sausages. Salad. It worked perfectly for me and getting out of a restaurant under 1000 calories just usually doesn't happen.

One might say that I didn't get the Prix Fix money's worth, but isn't my life bigger than just worrying about extracting the All You Can Eat Toll from a restaurant? Yet, I digress.

Over dinner, L and I got to a very tough and very deep place for both of us. Tears running down our faces and adding a special salt to our foods. Others in the restaurant glancing at us, wondering what's up. A server coming close, but then deciding not to interrupt. It was a good moment for us to connect and I think that even in pain, perfect events are just that. You know them for exactly what they are.

Together, L and I decided that we have to be friends and that we have to be there to help each other through our struggles. We determined that our individual significant others, while loved deeply, are not the ones to burden with our individual truths that we can't handle much less the ones we love.

I believe there is something to be said for making peace. I also think there is something very important as a 40-something to admit that we are getting older and that in and of itself isn't a drag. And I think it is important, very important, to say you are sorry when you are. And of course, it is important to have friends around when you decide to go on tilt. Remember the movie, Sideways?

When the evening ended and we looked at each other and asked...Now What?...we didn't know what to say. In a way, it seems we had done enough. But at the same time, we did need to lay some ground rules. Simple: I'm here, no matter when and no matter what. The deal was sealed with a hug and more joyful tears as glue.

And I wondered as I drove away, how anyone does this without support. In the last week the people that mean the most have been there for me and much of that is because I let then and have been honest about my pain. Dark that it may be.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Keep it up--you're getting out a lot of baggage that needs to be reliquished! You WILL do this, you're well on your way! I've reconnected with some "long lost" friends as well recently, what a blessing!
    4124 days ago
    I love the way you write!
    4125 days ago
    Good for you. I'm glad the healing has begun...with it I wish for you healing in every area that might need it. You have a big heart and an open mind. Bravo!!!
    4125 days ago
    I tell you what - everyone needs an "L" in their lives. Thank you so much for sharing!
    4125 days ago
    Every once in a while I Google an old friend and, if I find them, send them an e-mail or call them. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to reconnect with them. It's amazing how you reconnect with old friends when they were once true friends. : )

    - Sandy
    4125 days ago
    Hugs to you! Congrats on the reconnection and recognizing the gift of it instead of running away from it. It sounds like you are making some great choices and are beginning to turn this around. Your food choices were great and you allowed yourself to BE yourself.

    I loved the movie Sideways. It was hysterically funny but also poignant and telling. The scene I liked best was when the two guys were playing golf and got into a heated argument. Then, BAM! a ball from another group of guys landed in their midst. They abandoned their argument to take on the other guys who had the nerve to interrupt their play. I laughed so hard at the two of them waving their golf clubs and running like madmen. It hit home what "support" is about. We don't always agree but we always have each other's back. And it may not be pretty. Ha!

    Congrats again and I look forward to reading more!
    4125 days ago
    As part of my healing I too have reconnected with some special friends from my past... It is amazing to me how important this has become in healing old wounds. My HS girlfriends and I are finally old enough (and mature enough?) to admit to how hard those days were, and because they have shared their perceptions of me from that time I am beginning to see myself differently! I don't know why I couldn't do that before, but I value it so much now.

    Allowing our vulnerability to show is the first step to healing. Congratulations on choosing to eat wisely and speak freely!
    4125 days ago
    First - Congrats for choosing your health in a restaurant that is so easy to make a different choice!!!!

    Second - You are a phenomenal writer!

    Third - What a true blessing to have such a friend and reconnect like that. It is with the help of our frineds that we reach our goals. We cannot do it alone.

    I'm cheering for you!

    4125 days ago
    Your going to make it. I don't just mean weight and fitness either. Reading you blogs leave me out of breath. For one you are a phenomenal writer. It is rare that even a professional author can make me feel, really feel.
    I hope you know how fortunate you probably are.
    You have at least 1 person in your life that you can be completely open to.
    That is a rare thing.
    Great with the food moderation. Maybe it helped that you weren't at home, or where ever alone. That helps me. But it is rare that someone shares a meal with me.
    I wonder when I read your words, who it is you are so angry at. Yourself probably.
    But I think there is more to it. If you ever want to talk I feel I am a good listener. I try not to judge either.
    Thank you,
    4125 days ago
    Thanks for sharing and for the insight. I need to think about who I really rely on when I need a support system - sometimes the SO is not the right one.
    4125 days ago
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