As part of my journey, God has put an old friend back in my life, my Hot Mad Lesbian who we will call L for this episode. L and I drifted apart six or seven years ago. That's a long time to let go by.
We've connected for a quick evening of a few drinks with friends and on the phone a bit, but yesterday after a work thing, we met in San Francisco and began our healing over the 49ers winning. It was very cool to fall into our usual talk, as she is the sports fan and I am well...not an NFL fan.
But the talk for both of us was important life stuff. Both of us struggling with issues deep and potentially life threatening if we do not deal with them. So the talk quickly turned to serious things and I was excited and welcomed being able to share with a good friend who seems to understand me and who I don't feel like lying to...at least not anymore.
Issue number one came for me in our choice of a place for dinner. L had suggested a Churrascaria in San Fran called Espetus. In a city of good restaurants, this is a good one.
And the fare at a Brazilian Steakhouse is easy...Meat. Served table side and carved from Skewers it is a great way to be a carnivore. And for me a great way to be a giant glutton.
But, I was able to eat just right here and so Issue #1 became a non issue. Meat at around 8-10 oz, because I asked the carvers to go easy. Pass on the bacon wrapped chicken and sausages. Salad. It worked perfectly for me and getting out of a restaurant under 1000 calories just usually doesn't happen.
One might say that I didn't get the Prix Fix money's worth, but isn't my life bigger than just worrying about extracting the All You Can Eat Toll from a restaurant? Yet, I digress.
Over dinner, L and I got to a very tough and very deep place for both of us. Tears running down our faces and adding a special salt to our foods. Others in the restaurant glancing at us, wondering what's up. A server coming close, but then deciding not to interrupt. It was a good moment for us to connect and I think that even in pain, perfect events are just that. You know them for exactly what they are.
Together, L and I decided that we have to be friends and that we have to be there to help each other through our struggles. We determined that our individual significant others, while loved deeply, are not the ones to burden with our individual truths that we can't handle much less the ones we love.
I believe there is something to be said for making peace. I also think there is something very important as a 40-something to admit that we are getting older and that in and of itself isn't a drag. And I think it is important, very important, to say you are sorry when you are. And of course, it is important to have friends around when you decide to go on tilt. Remember the movie, Sideways?
When the evening ended and we looked at each other and asked...Now What?...we didn't know what to say. In a way, it seems we had done enough. But at the same time, we did need to lay some ground rules. Simple: I'm here, no matter when and no matter what. The deal was sealed with a hug and more joyful tears as glue.
And I wondered as I drove away, how anyone does this without support. In the last week the people that mean the most have been there for me and much of that is because I let then and have been honest about my pain. Dark that it may be.