It was a CONCIOUS decision...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
if you can believe that! I decided to not open sparkpeople anymore. I found myself getting too stressed out about getting points and it seemed to be making me crazy! To be honest and open about things, I felt trapped. I guess it was my psychy giving me crap about changing my body once again. Losing weight is really hard and is really challenging and I kept reminding myself of that. Instead of doing what I said I was doing which is changing my lifestyle, in truth, it felt terribly hard and unreal. I'm not sure what my problem is. I guess that is why I've come back to sparkpeople.
I went to get an annual check-up. I haven't had one in a really long time. I see my OB/GYN once a year, but not a general dr for an overall check-up. I started having a pain in my sternum, on the right side. It became so intense that I called my mom in tears (out of fear) to get me an appointment with her dr's office. They got me in right away and did an EKG. I'm 32 and lying there getting my first EKG! I was shaking when it was going on...I felt like crying. But it came back normal. The doctor chalked it up to overstretching my muscles and gave me orders to rest and take advil for the pain. It is still there, but it has never gotten as bad as that day. He ordered bloodwork because at 236 pounds, he is concerned about cholesterol. It came back that my bad cholesterol is ok, but my good cholesterol is too low. He wanted me to take medications, but I decided to just start taking Fish Oil everyday instead.
I'm really messed up though. I just don't understand why eating good is so hard for me. I found a nugget of truth in my journaling recently that I think I'll do a seperate blog about later. It makes a lot of sense, but it seems like when I realized this particular something, my eating became a lot worse and I just sort of gave up for a while. Maybe it is my body's way of controlling me and keeping me safe?? We shall see. I am sad that I let spark people go, but I am relieved it is still here waiting for me.