trying to understand why I am this way
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Okay, so yesterday I had my husband take a picture of me with my son in his baseball uniform. It was my son's last All Star Game and I wanted a picture of me with him, I was and am so proud of him for how far he's gone. So anyway, he took 3 pics, and I just could not believe what I saw in the picture. It was horrible, I hated it! I thought, well maybe the picture just makes me look bigger, but then I looked at my son and saw that he looked like he does to me, and I realized YIKES, I am too big. I sat quietly last night, not saying anything to my husband about how upset I really am. I have been going around preaching that I like who I am today, not for what I want to be and I need to like myself for who I am today, but in reality I guess I don't. I HATED what I saw and I am just trying to figure out why I do the things I do to not make the change. I know what I should be eating, I know to portion control (not always an easy thing) but I know that I need to, I know to workout, and for the most part I do, I workout 4-5 days a week. Well I did take some time off recently. But then this morning I started to think about my weight and my whole life how it's been. I have always been the heavy one, I have one sibling, an older sister, who could eat anything and be stick skinny. So I have always, always, since gosh I can remember being 10 years old and at the beach and comments being made by my mom, and my moms friend as to how chubby I was, and how I shouldn't be in a bikini, when I think back to that I think, how cruel, my God I was 10! And fast forward to present time and just recently at my daughters 1st birthday party (May 31st) I had everyone here, my husbands family was here, and I was doing the introductions of my family to my husbands family and when it came to introducing my sister to my mother in law, she (my mother in law) asked if my sister was older or younger, I said she is my older sister in a joking manner and we (my sister and I) started laughing and then my mother had to pipe in and say "she may be older, but you are her bigger younger sister" and laughed and thought she was so funny. I was embarrassed and hurt and didn't quite know what to say. As I think about all of this I am so angry and think I have been for quite some time now. When I started this journey back in October I remember when I lost my first 7lbs and telling my mother and was very excited to tell her and very happy about it, she said nothing, just the response of "oh". Absolutely friggin nothing! If she sees me get a coffee milk, she sure as heck responds then. I'm so tired of this. This has gone on my whole life, and if I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, then I don't mean to, its just all coming back to me. My son 10 year old son just recently went through a really rough baseball season in the majors in little leagues, but the made it to the All Star team. I asked my mother EVERY time when he had a game to come, but always had a lame excuse not to. I don't understand how or why she is the way she is. She will go to ALL of other nieces and nephews things (sisters family) but not mine.
I wonder if I am the way I am about myself due to her, I don't know. I just know that I have started to realize the anger I have towards her and I hate it! I feel like no matter if I truly try to lose the weight it's not going to matter, I'm still going to get the comments. I'm angry and I want to get past it, but I am not ready to forgive her.