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My fabulous birthday weekend. :]

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Most recent body shot. I think, for the weight that I'm at, I hide it well. Starting to define my curves?

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My Dream Team!

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-Langston Hughes

"When I was a little girl people used to ask me, What do you want to be when you grow up? Good, I would say. I want to be good. Becoming good was harder than becoming a doctor or an astronaut or a lifeguard. There are tests to pass to become those things--you have to learn dissection or conquer gravity or practice treading water. Becoming good was not like that. It was abstract. It felt completely out of reach. It became the only thing that mattered to me. If I could be good, everything would be alright. I would fit in. I would be popular. I would skip death and go straight to heaven......I could never be good. This feeling of badness lives in every part of my being. Call it anxiety or despair. Call it guilt or shame. It occupies me everywhere. The older, seemingly clearer and wiser I get, the more devious, globalized, and terrorist the badness becomes."
-The Good Body by Eve Ensler

It's time to get real.
It's time to be completely honest about my self-perception. I always seem to dodge the topic, or hide behind my extensive sense of humor. But this seems like the perfect community to be completely upfront with how I feel about myself.

I have been dealing with personal struggles for the past twelve years. During puberty, I was significantly overweight--and those were the toughest years of my life. Though I was able to drop 25 lbs on my own, my stubborn mind has never changed. For so long, I've been told that I'm not good enough, that I'm just too fat, and that my beauty only goes so far. I have allowed this criticism to take full control of my life. I am always concerned with what others are thinking of me. When I first meet people, I often come off as reserved. This isn't because I don't like meeting new people or letting people in; it's because my self-esteem is so painfully low that I don't know why people would want to bother with me. This applies for both friendships and relationships---I always seem to flock to guys who give me any type of attention, and usually end up treating me horribly. Sometimes, I think I'm a rather pretty girl...but, in the back of my head, the thought never leaves: "you're too fat."

I've had enough.

My New Year's Resolution for 2009 is to forgive myself. To start over.
I've made excellent progress with my overall attitude, confidence, and overall outlook on life. I, however, cannot seem to shake my terrible physical self-image. So, that's why I'm here: to not only feel beautiful on the inside, but to be absolutely comfortable in my own skin. I've set a goal for myself, but in reality, I'm not completely concerned with losing "X" about of pounds by "Y" date. As long as I use my own personal magic and find happiness along the way, I will be completely satisfied whether I lose 15 or 50 lbs.

And, by the way... I can't say that I'm doing this alone. I have 3 of my beautiful friends helping me achieve my dreams. And I couldn't do it without them.

The Dream Team

Member Since: 12/16/2008

Fitness Minutes: 1,135

My Goals:

To forgive myself.
To start over.
To love every inch of myself.
To drink 8 glasses of water a day (this will be tough!!)
To watch my portion sizes during meals.
To not eat in front of the TV!! (awful habit!)
To do some form of exercise 5x a week.

My Program:
I live in a dorm room, so it's rather difficult to be able to make my own food. But, I'm just steering clear of things that are obviously bad for me--fried foods, desserts, complex carbs, etc. For the things that I can make for myself, I'm relying on some TurboJam recipe guides; they haven't failed me in the past. Portion control is also going to play a big factor. I enjoy counting calories, but I can't always get a specific number...so I'm just going to use my better judgment for most of the time. :]

As for exercising, I have recently fallen in love with Turbo Jam. But I also aim to do 100 situps and 50 pushups before bed. I also do a lot of walking on campus, but I'd like to wear a pedometer just to see how much I've done.

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